So yes it was partly my fault that my arm might be permanently damaged and I look like Frankenstein with all the stiches and muscle deformation. It will probably take me months before I could do any yoga or handstands again, or even carry anything over the weight of my phone or not have anyone ask me what happened there, where so far I have been coming up with some ridiculous lie… I stayed at home for 10 days ashamed of confronting anyone about what happened. Nevertheless, what is happening with my sister is whole different story… a story of delusions and lack of logic and abuse on a completely different level… the saddest story I am miserably getting to witness and cannot do anything about it…
Is someone you know being abused in a relationship?
From her side, she claims that he had only locked the door to keep his angry crazy mother from coming in and that he was drunk and wasn’t aware what he was doing. She claims that he had never laid a finger on her and that is was a stupid fight that just went out of control. She also claims that she has no idea where all the bruises on her arm and back came from or her torn up ear. She claims that she is not done trying to make this work. I don’t know if she is merely trying to protect him or protect her choice, or that she blanked out from drugs or alcohol.
Anyhow, she didn’t show up at the hospital and later I found out that he had called on my phone saying that she is crying and wants to see me and that he will only let her come if he is with her and that my uncle, who was the one who answered the phone, told him that if he dares to enter the hospital he will have him incarcerated.
I also found out from our family friend who had to stay with my kids while my mother came to the hospital, that the neighbours told her that they both left the apartment after her mother in law kicked her out with suitcases and that she was asking him where her jewellery was, and that he dragged her down the stairs and put her in a cab and no one had any idea where they went. My God, my sister dragged down the stairs like a low-life hooker!
I arrived back home at my mother’s around 5pm that day, all drugged up and very thankful that the surgery was a success. I found a missed call from her, so I called her back. She was crying hysterically about what has happened to me. I very calmly told her that I just wanted to see her and if he doesn’t want to bring her alone, he could come with her. She sounded elated to hear that he could come with her, obviously because he would not allow her to come elsewise and she made me promise that no one would harm him. She handed him the phone and he was crying as well, apologising like a little kid and telling me that he didn’t mean it and that he was drunk or high or something… I acted that I was ok with everything and that I am not angry at all and that I understood and that I just needed my sister, because I am not allowed to use my hand and that he could of course come with. He finally agreed and said he just wants to come and talk to me, but first they will go fix her phone. This was the third phone that had broke since they got married, which made her have her sim-card in his phone… I assume for him to monitor her calls and messages, but who knows.
Around 4 hours later they showed up on my doorstep and for the following two hours he ranted on with excuses and how he is like that because of his lack-of-work and money situation. I was genuinely afraid that he would throw a tantrum and go crazy, so in all calmness I agreed and nodded to everything he said and tried to very gently convince him that it was a good idea for them to separate for the time being and when the situation gets better for both of them they could try to get back together… of course with no luck, However, finally he left and she was home.
I thought that that would be the end of this ugly person in our lives and that she had learnt her lesson. I thought I handled him brilliantly and got him to unchain her. I thought I got her out from underneath his grip when she couldn’t escape. But God was I wrong!! She found it in her to forgive him or to defend him… to be dragged again into his cycle of abuse!!!
From the moment he left, he calls her on average every 15 minuets… sometimes whining and sometimes fighting and sometimes convincing her that he is going to change. He apparently started convincing her that we are the ones trying to control her that we just want to destroy her life, that he loves her and would do anything for her.
When we asked her what she decide to do, and how come she is still talking to him, she said that she is giving him another chance to change, get a job and a house before she goes back and that she is trying to get him to promise that will respect her and not invade her privacy and let her go back to work… Who asks for that, who asks for the givens in any relationship, who expects change from such a person? How does that come out of a human, let alone a well educated and practicing lawyer?
After all logic, by lying down all the facts, didn’t work, I told what her that what she’s asking of him is mean… for it would mean that he would need to rob a bank to be able to sustain a home and provide for her and that no one should ask anyone to change, that she should love him and accept him for who he is and if she doesn’t it means she doesn’t love him. I tried to explain to her that for his sake, she should leave him for him to get better and do better. Well that reverse psychology also didn’t work. I also tried to guilt-trip her with what this is all doing to us as a family and that her parents are aching for her and because of her… that didn’t work either!
Finally I gave up.
Yesterday morning, she packed her bags and decided to go to him to God knows where to talk… what on earth are they going to talk about that she cant do over their 10 hour calls a day. She said he wants her there away from all the drama… well right now I hope they kill each other, because I lost all hope in having my sister back.
I understand that at this point she is somehow enjoying her power trip and loving that she has him all wrapped around her fingers; grovelling and weeping and wants to please her any way possible. I get that she’s enjoying that she has the upper hand of demands! But I can also see that although she is miserable in that relationship and that she is not that invested in it emotionally, this ego-trip high keeps the cycle going… that she might be afraid of being with someone better out of fear of rejection or abandonment. I get that she likes the fact that everyone including him are telling her that she is better than him and that by itself feeds her fucked-up power/ego trip. But what she doesn’t get is that it is all fucked up…
So yes it is probably my fault because I was so passionate on saving someone who does not see that she needs saving!!