As I was picking up my daughter from his place yesterday… he decided to come with us in the car back home… some excuse about not being able to work at his place. I didn’t really understand but I didn’t really ask… It was an awkward day already and mind was totally else where. We have been separated for six months now and only lately he has been entering the house again to see the girls and sometimes hang out, though always with a valid reason.
When we came up, he went directly out to the balcony and I went to shower and get the kids ready for bed. I left them to play a little and went out for a smoke and he was just sitting there on his laptop. Till then I still didn’t get what he was here for, he wasn’t helping out and wasn’t playing with the girls and for heaven’s sake he could work anywhere. However, as I was getting up to go inside to put the kids to sleep, he slapped my ass and then something about how hot I was, which I totally ignored. Ohhh he’s horny! Yup; that was probably it.
I took my time putting the kids to bed and after I came out he was still there, this time doing nothing but smoking a joint. We sat and talked about random stuff, mainly started about him smoking up too much and then the conversations shifted about our life together and bits and pieces of what went wrong. Every now and then he would insinuate something sexual and I would change the subject. A part of me was horny and liked the attention, thus wanted to let go and the other part just immensely didn’t want to sleep with him at all, but wanted to use this opportunity to actually talk. By then he had like two joints… and I didn’t understand how he could function on so much weed.
Just the day before we were going his cousin’s wedding, and I wanted to relax and didn’t want to drink that early in the morning, specially that I slept really late getting the girls dresses ready, something he had sprung upon me the day before. When he came up to help take the kids down and I knew he would be the one driving, I took a few puffs to relax. I could barely operate… I didn’t relax at all! It was like a dark drape had fallen upon me and I hardly understood any of his words and any conversation until we got there. To me, every sentence I uttered sounded stupid and irrelevant and all what he said sounded just ludicrous. How can he or anyone ever function daily like that, is beyond me. He has been on a constant high for the past three years and so confidently and naturally admits that he is dependant on it and is ok with that and that everyone he works with is fucked up on drugs anyways!
We continued talking about how fucked up our life together was, how very hurtful he has been over the years and he just took all that without getting angry or aggressive and it was a good opportunity for me to unload some of that on him. Every time I would get up to get or do something he would try to touch me… By then I was getting really tired, but I also didn’t want to be rude and just leave him there… I somehow felt like I owed him something…
The month before was extremely eventful… I had a very unfortunate car accident during a test drive at the service and as I was sitting there waiting for the police and service people to come, I called him to tell him what happened and to my very surprise he came. He waited there calmly with me for 5 hours, till he drove me home. No fighting, no blaming, no huffing and buffing… as he was dropping me off, the one thought that was on my mind was … waaaww my husband of 12 years has never done that.
A week after, he was there for me that day of my arm injury at the hospital, again to my surprise he came right away and stayed until he drove me home the next day. He wasn’t nice or comforting that time at all, and for the entire time he was there he looked annoyed and agitated, that look he gives before he bursts in anger, but he stayed. I kept asking him, what’s wrong he said everything was ok. The days after he came by the house a lot, not really to help out, but at least he entertained the kids a little when I couldn’t do much for them with my arm and in so much pain.
He started to compliment how I looked and how much he loves me… that somehow felt offending and pissed me off. I have always felt that my looks were the only thing that attracts him to me and only because of his physical attraction and convenience of this marriage he wants me back, but whatever or whoever I really am means nothing to him. A silent creature is all what he wants. We talked about that. I explained that being intimate with someone is not just a good fuck; to me it means to actually trust that he is not going to run out when the conversation is not to his liking and to not continuously be scared of being judged by him, to be free and myself with him… and with him it want like that at all! I was always on edge, always walking on eggshells. I tried to express to him that I’m never myself with him, neither alone nor with people that I am usually very comfortable around… that I’m a more myself and could breath when he’s not around. I told him… how does he expect me to go back to that angry person who is so very jealous of everything and everyone I talk to… a person who has been forever controlling, doesn’t like who I am and has double standards when it comes to me… that opening up to him just this little bit, I was already nervous. No matter what I said he calmly took it. Again, probably I think all what was on his mind is sexual… and he tolerated everything and said anything just to get laid. So I didn’t want to shut him off completely to maybe get any of what I wanted to say through to him.
As he lit his third joint, I finally gave up on him leaving, and went up to feed the dog and get myself a glass of wine to calm down. As soon as I sat there he started to kiss me… I didn’t really kiss back and slowly pulled myself away. I thought to myself, it’s just a kiss and it shouldn’t give him any mixed signals specially that he has been pushing for it all night. Bit by bit he started to touch me… every time I pull away he comes closer and flirts more.
He had kissed me some few days before and I let that one slip. That time it was actually like an out of body experience, my eyes was open and watched him kissing me in the mirror and didn’t even move a muscle. Well, so why not this time, when I really was getting something out of it. But I was still very pissed at him… he is still the uncompromising, not contributing, selfish ass he has always been, but just horny and had a bigger goal than listening to me and wanting to please ever me.
Last weekend I wanted to go away to the beach for a party with a friend of mine, and his hell open up on me when I told him I was going. I only told him, because he would have had to take the kids a few hours earlier than he usually does. And because a few days before that, I had asked him for big bulk of money, to pay off my next instalment on a beach house I bought and have been paying it off alone for the past three years, and he just very agreeably said of course. He didn’t stop texting hurtful shit to me for four days straight after I told him about the party! Brining out every ugliness in the book and bashing me with it. All the hurt he does to me doesn’t go away, but still, the hostility and cruelty of him, when I am on my own is insanely fucked up.
But the kissing went on further and I tried very nicely to make it stop, but he’d only stop for a minute and then start again… sliding his hands up my thighs, kissing my neck… I felt him getting hard… and at the end he just went down on me and I finally gave in and let him! The minute I came; I was like fuck, what the hell did I just do!
As much as I fucking missed that, missed being touched and licked and felt wanted, what screwed up signals am I giving to him!?? That I’m going to ever take him back, because I really don’t want to and I am defiantly a totally different person from the one that he has been with for 15 years and will never tolerate any of his shit anymore… that I’m attracted to him again, because I am not, I actually fantasised about other people as I came… that I will ever forgive him, because I won’t and if I will it will only be for me, because he doesn’t deserve a second chance! So why the hell am I asking him for money, telling him about the accidents or trips and letting him touch me! Well.. part of me I think is using him and getting whatever I can out of him, some other part thinks that this is what I am supposed to do, but the most part I think I am just fucked up!