In order not to regret going on any anger spree, I have been letting it eat me alive!
Nevertheless, I have been extremely angry these past weeks … and that is not who I am… I am not one to get anger triggered that easily and if I do, I usually could easily control my temper; however it’s becoming really hard. I feel a ball of rage burning up inside me, and if I let myself go, I probably would be lashing out, like a crazy person at everyone around me. I did get a few anger episodes lately: lashed out at the car wash, lashed out at my dog for stealing one of the kids’ sandwiches after they left for school, lashed out at a delivery guy who insisted on bringing me plastic bags and when I didn’t want them, he just through them away…
HUSBAND Yes… I am angry at my situation… for not having the guts to call quits until now. It’s been 7 months since the separation and I am still afraid of doing anything about it. I always liked the idea of having a happy family, being in love and comfortable and myself with the person I’m with and happily raising our kids together, and knowing that that could never happen pisses me off. I cannot find it in me to ever forgive him for anything and will always be holding a grudge… I could never get myself to be comfortable with him nor around him… nor of course tolerating how people would look at me if I ever do take him back. Not only that, I lost any empathy I have for him… even when he is as broken as he is now, even when he tries to make amends and says things like I need you or want you or still love you, nothing he does touches me anymore and I hate myself for turning into some cold bitch with him.
On the other hand I am still so damn scared of being alone and completely independent of the life we had; the life I always dreamt I would have with him.
But that isn’t only it…
Today the kids went to their father and I, drugged from cough meds and antibiotics, I got to nap, something I haven’t done in a very long time. I slept right there in the middle of the day on the couch and woke up after dark with the most vivid dream I had in a long time and it somehow made so much of anger clear.
SISTER: In the dream we were at some office where supposedly both of us used to work at different times. We talked and had fun and met so many friends there. There was life in her eyes again, instead of the dead person she’s become. The apathetic, unambitious, self-centered liar with no self worth she’s become, who’s only interest in life is fixing that fucked up looser she is still defending. She was herself again, and I was comfortable around her, comfortable talking to her… not counting my words nor trying to slip some underlying message for her to wake up from her life and choices.
I miss her, I miss her being a person, my person… and I am really mad at her for that. She robbed me from having a sister and robbed me of being a sister to her! I am mad at her for throwing away her life like that and for making us all look like control freaks, when she’s the one controlling us all and destroying our family and its reputation day in and day out. I am mad at her for making my mom so sad and worried and depressed for so long. I am also mad at my mother for complaining to me about her to me all the time and that I have no idea what to do about all this! All I want is my sister back; to be friends with, go out with, complain about boys with, confide in, support and have her support like we once did… but now she’s making it so hard to support her with all the insanity she’s been loading in both our lives. I’m like another parent in her life and when I do try to talk to her, she shuts me up as if I am the crazy person who is talking non-sense.
PARENTS And I have sacrificed a lot with every crazy phase she decides to go through… along with not being able to enjoy my parents that are now growing old and soon they will not be there to enjoy… She consumes all of their thought and worry and time. I get constant phone calls from my mom telling me to find her because she hasn’t been answering for days, a train of messages nearly every day, asking me what to do or explaining to me what went on between them.. cancelled outings or trips because I had to attend to something she has put the family through… She did not just take away my right to have a sister, she took away my parents, where my father dropped her out of his life and because I remind him of her, he has been slowly fading out of mine, and my mother who has been constantly depressed over her and worried… that any time spent together is only about my sister!
BROTHER In the middle of the dream I received a phone call from my mother telling me about someone who died, and throughout the entire conversation I thought she was talking about my little brother, that he’s the one who died. By the time I figured out that it’s not him I cried and cried and felt my heart exploding. He has also gone astray a year ago into extreme religious radicalism and now does not talk to anyone and does nothing but pray and fast. He too makes me angry, not being able to reach out to him, to get through to him… I lost him as well!
What on earth happened to this family… why and when did we all fall apart like this? Is it ever going to be better for any of us? I am pissed… for watching one of the major pillars in anyone’s life, in my life turn to dust and for wasting so much time trying to fix the unfixable!