He texted the night before that he wants to invite me to an evening and night together… I was dreading that he would, although not in 6 years have we went out to celebrate that day; actually it’s been 6 years since we went out for dinner at all. I felt very weird about it, I felt like I was cheating the separation. What did it mean to go out and celebrate our anniversary when we’re not together, what message am I giving him? Is it not cheating enough that we have been sleeping together every now and then? It just didn’t make any sense, but if I were to be honest, I was actually scared to say No… instead I convinced myself that it was nice to dine out and have a romantic night for a change and see how it goes.
He disappeared the of, so I thought it might be off. I’ve been having a rough day with the kids and was no longer in the mood to go out anywhere. Then he called and said that’ll pick me up. I put the kids to bed, got dressed and went down. He picked me up.
For a second there, I felt like I’m going out on a date… then saw I him in the car with that smile that I could never figure out; is he nervous, is he happy, is he angry and trying to cover it up? He said he booked us a room for the night, I told him it’s strange since I need to be back really early before the kids wake up, so I offered to just go eat somewhere and then see.
The food was really great, but other than that we didn’t find much to talk about. He never asked how I was doing and although I tried to open up several subjects, nothing seamed to catch on. I can’t say it was terrible, but it was definitely awkward.
On our way to the car he offered the hotel room again, and I could have spent a night with him and got laid, but I decided not to… instead I invited him over for a movie…
For only one night, I didn’t want to get laid, I wanted to feel loved and cared for, not lusted over … I wanted to cuddle and talk and enjoy the company of someone I’ve been married to for 13 years. But of course he wanted more, all he really wanted were a couple of hours in a hotel room … that is all he wanted obviously. Not eat, not to go out, not even spend the night together. I knew that, I knew that from the second I read his message the day before and I played dumb… All he ever wanted with me is to fuck. Since when does he ever want anything else from me other than to fuck, or any other guy for that matter? Well, I just didn’t want to give him that… I wasn’t horny and I didn’t want to force myself. I deserve a conversation. I deserve to cuddle. I deserve to be wanted for my company, without them just getting laid. I deserve to have someone I can talk to, without having to spread my legs before or after! I deserve to feel the warmth of being in someone’s arms. If he really wants to be a husband again like he claims, not a silent fuck-buddy/bank-account, he should know that.
He, of course, got cranky and frustrated… said that I should be grateful that he still wants to only sleep with me and is not getting laid elsewhere still… I think I smiled a little on the inside, not because I was flattered, but I was thinking: well bring her and we could fuck her together. But of course, even that thought, I could never share with him, he would probably judge me for just thinking that.
Anyways, after a while of getting bored and unsatisfied and probably very angry, he decided to leave. He texted me saying that he still believes in us… Why? How could he believe in such a crumbling story? In what way does this story survive, when he has managed to destroy it in every way possible by years of abuse? I don’t think I will ever find it in me to forgive him, nor ever be able to be myself with him nor around him… Why can’t he just admit defeat and move on?