Maybe it’s time to Walk Away

He’s having a baby and I don’t know how I should feel about it… I’m happy for him and for them. I’m happy that his family is growing and that his kid will have a sibling. We talked about sleepless nights and prams and delivery arrangements. We talked about pregnancies and kids and schools… I do wish him well; he is a great caring and involved dad and deserves a perfect family… and I wasn’t really shocked, he has been talking about it…

But I still found myself jealous. I was jealous that his world and home is stable and expanding and filled with love, while mine is crumbling. I was jealous that I’m done trying to make mine work and he still has intimacy and responsibility towards his. I tried to hide my pain, I hid it from myself… I pretended like us and our parallel life together has nothing to do with his, but that’s just not true, is it!.

Never was my intention to break up his family nor to ever hurt it… and frankly I never thought I would ever fall in love with him, nor him with me!

The news hit me on the way back home and I found myself saddened. We had a passionate night together. It wasn’t just sex… it wasn’t just emotionless fucking. I loved being with him. I loved being naked in his arms. I loved kissing him and feeling his breath on me. I loved our kinkiness and fantasies. I loved how caring and emotional he is. I loved that he wanted to cuddle after, not just leave me lying there. I loved how we turn each other on. I loved him stroking me and lying in bed talking. I loved rapping my legs around him and just letting go. I loved feeling him, not just knowing that he’s there. I loved not being judged and that I could read him and that I don’t need to presume. I loved how passionate and intimate and secure we are together and around each other… he is the only person with whom my mind can go on silent mode…

Nevertheless, I also started remembering being pregnant and how vulnerable I felt, I was never pampered nor appreciated like most women are while pregnant, I never got a foot rub nor help carrying bags nor loved like I wished I would have been while carrying his child. Maybe because I never showed that I needed that. I was active during my pregnancy, was working and doing my maters. I walked 10km a day, did my yoga practice until I was seven months and never complained. According to my doctor I was supposed to be on bed rest, but he didn’t care if I implemented it nor was ever there to help out and I didn’t want to show weakness. Nevertheless, and even if my marriage by my second kid was proving to be falling apart, I would still not want to ever know or feel that my husband being with anyone else with what I was going through. And I don’t wish that for her. She deserves his full uninterrupted attention. She deserves being pampered and loved and made felt precious, because she is carrying something precious and it’s not easy.

With all reason and logic and values, I’m supposed to walk away; either to put him and us in the sex only box and block whatever feelings I have and let us slowly fade apart and eventually into oblivion or to simply end it now. Maybe that’s what he expected I would do when he told me about it, maybe he feels strange about it too. The minute I realised that I should put an end to it, because very soon it will be over anyways, I felt my heart shattering and I missed him. I always knew that it will never be anything but what it is, but it still hurt a lot. Sometimes I feel that it’s not fair that the only person for whom I felt such passion and respect and intimacy in such a long time and the only one I ever felt honest and comfortable with ever, I could never be with even for a day…

We were supposed to meet up a couple of days after, but it didn’t happen… He got caught up at work and it was quite late before he was done, and by then I was tired and pretty disappointed. Although, we both canceled plans a lot before on each other, this was the first time I ever got pissed at him… perhaps, because such opportunity never presents itself that we’re both home alone and free from kids and spouses at the same time, or because this time I actually waited for him all day,… also perhaps I thought he wanted it as much and he’d do his best to make this happen and it didn’t,… or maybe because I had this instinct that this time ought to be our last.

I think I just need to walk away … let go of him, my feelings for him, whatever romantic or fantasy illusion I think about when I think of him. Fuck this is getting way too complicated now with a baby on its way anyways and for heaven’s sake I sound pathetic, even for myself…

So yes I was pissed that I could not get to spend a night with him, but maybe it’s for the best.

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