It started with a Kiss

When I met him; he was married and I was married so I thought, “well this is safe”. We would meet and talk for hours; from one interesting conversation to the next and over a very short period we became close, and without even realising it I opened up to him and him to me and we became friends, sorta… I hadn’t opened up to anyone in decades, but I found myself sharing my thoughts and fears and desires with him… I felt safe and honest with myself around him and it was the first time during my marriage that I allowed myself that luxury of getting close to any man, especially someone I was sexually drawn to. We would talk about marriage, death, God, sex, fantasies, life, philosophy…

One day as he was dropping me off to pick up my kid from kindergarten and we happened to arrive a tad early, he parked his car further down the road and just kissed me… only a small kiss, a peck on the lips, but still so special. It was subtle, and delicate and I smiled. The strange thing was, it didn’t feel wrong nor inappropriate, it felt natural and comfortable. By and large it should have, with anyone else just a linger in a hug or a subtle unintentional flirting or a drunken touch, I would get extremely uncomfortable and downright back off. It didn’t even feel strange that he was the first person I kissed, other than my husband, in 14 years.

Nevertheless, after that kiss, I realised, fuck no, no we can’t. I tried to stay away for a bit, but for a person that I haven’t met except a few months ago for the first time ever, he started being everywhere; in every face I saw, in every tone I heard, in every smile I saw, he was just there even if he wasn’t. I tried telling myself that it’s not right, but I didn’t really believe it. It didn’t feel like cheating nor over stepping…

Then one morning we met and went cruising with his car and ended up parking somewhere and talked for like an hour or so. I don’t know what came over me then… his voice just became mute, sounds around me disappeared, and I leaned in and kissed him. It was just amazing; new but familiar and sexy. Nevertheless, seconds after I felt horrible, I felt like what the fuck am I doing. He seamed shocked as well, like I weirded him out, which made me more embarrassed that I did that…

The time after that he kissed me… So softly and passionately. I don’t even know how long that lasted, but I do remember how it felt, how he smelled and tasted, his breath, this time… filled with fierce desire. I felt myself melting in him and my mind just let go in silent submission. Afterwards all I could think about was touching him, being close to him, being naked with him, waking up next to him…

He would steal a kiss every now and then; in a café as he walked away or just passing by me if we met by coincidence or on a bridge walking me to my car and leave me there breathless and in owe of what just happened and striving to regain composure. I never knew that the thoughts in my overthinking mind could ever stop, even for a second, except when we kiss…

From then on, things just escalated, not fast… just slowly and organically over a period of 2 years. Every time we’d experience something new, it was terrifying… yet wonderful. Every time we’d meet it became more familiar and more sensual… we felt both passion and compassion for each other’s lives. The conversations became more intense… the bond became real… the longing became more painful… the sex more and more intimate and passionate… and I could feel the hollowness that had been left inside my body for years fill with passion and flooding my senses… until I found myself falling in love with him, …

Like I had been asleep for years in a fog of grief and drama and abuse and fear and then this person came along and made me feel alive and fearless and most importantly true to myself. After, over a decade of, a frozen heart and loosing all faith in love and passion and comfort, suddenly i’m awake again, ignited with lust and comfort and friendship.

Believe me, I used to clench from the idea of cheating, I hated lying, but he was the definition of home, and I couldn’t resist

All my life I was ethical and moral, but never felt like myself… with him I felt visible, not just a figment of people’s imagination or expectations… with him I felt more honest and real and safe and right than in any morally ethical relationship I had… He made me feel that it’s ok to be myself, it’s ok to be fucked up, it’s ok to fuck up. Being with him taught me, that I deserve be to treated nicely and kindly and respectfully and deserved to be happy.

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