As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back.
I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the parking lot under a tree, carrying my 4 year old and trying not to get wet, while we wait for my other daughter to finish her training. Surrounded by their bags and child sleeping in my worn out arms, I remember feeling so helpless and so tired and so mad that I don’t even have a car to lay my daughter to sleep in and protect her from the storm. When training was done, we all stood their for an hour waiting for an Uber and I had to beg someone I didn’t know to wait in their car too keep my kids from the rain.
That day, I dropped my eldest at school with a cab, and took the other to her kg across town and waited there in a café for her to finish. On our way back we picked the other from the bus and went home. I quickly fed them, changed them and then went down quickly. Took one to training and the other to her language assessment session. I was not allowed to attend, so I had to wait for an hour in the street until she was done when it started to rain. When she was finished we took another cab, which took forever, to pick the other from training.
He didn’t even flinch when I told him what happened later that night. He didn’t care about the hardship I was going through day in and day out without a car and running back and forth with his little ones.
It wasn’t the only time… I spent 2 and half years like this regardless of the weather; heat be it or storm, irrespective if I am sick or tired… Not once has he offered to do that instead of me! And in the few times that I would plead him to, he would either forget their stuff or is late.
I started thinking about the countless days I had to commute back and forth twice a day with cabs that never stop or Ubers that never arrive, carrying bags and kids and bikes to take my little ones around to school, kg and trainings. No seat belts or car seats and I would be terrified the whole time, every time. I had to make sure that I don’t loose anything or forget anything.
I remembered the times I would beg someone, anyone I knew to drive us just as close as possible to home, so that we would not have to wait in the street for a cab or an uber.
I remembered the days I had to find any transpiration that would allow me to take my dog to the vet or to the park because she’s just stuck at home.
I remembered the days I was so very tired by the end of the week and stuck in a café for hours just waiting for the school day to end so I would repeat the same monstrosity of a commute and travel with the girls.
The days I was crying and begging him to buy a car, just any car, but he would call me pampered and weak and pathetic and that he didn’t need a car, why should I. Not that we didn’t have the money, we did… but no car was ever good enough and every choice I wanted was always belittled and berated and criticized to it’s core. He would change budgets and then timings over and over… call it a Non-priority!
I remembered where I all wanted was a car to wait in…
Time after time… I wanted to scream, and like screaming into a canyon and hearing my echoes for days after in my head. I used to feel my tears inside my eyes, but nothing was heard and nothing was seen… he could not sense my pain, hear my screams, see my tears… he never felt how much agony that was causing me…
It took kicking him out of the house and out of my life, for him to surrender and get the kids and I a car.
Before buying his, he used to take it when he had the kids, he said that car is for the kids, wherever they go, the car goes with them. So I would drop off the kids with the car and leave.
I just don’t forgive him for that, any of that… and I don’t think there is anything he can now do or say that would ever erase that! Nevertheless, I still feel I am owed an apology and appreciation… but even for only that… he never gave me one!