He came the other day and asked me if I wanted to talk. I had nothing to talk about, or maybe I have too much to say that it just feels useless to do so, discuss issues I have already discussed over and over before and state the obvious. I had nothing that I could open up to him about. I had nothing that I could praise either. It’s impossible for us to converse or have a decent heart to heart discussion, without it ending in a fight; me crying and him acting erratic storming out.
A million thoughts and mental conversations pass through my head just to be able to say or discuss anything with him, just to be able to say the right words, yet nothing comes out right… like an endless popup exam, with a teacher that is out to fail me regardless what I say.
Just a few days before, we were sitting in his new car as he picked me up to go a parents’ meeting, I felt so damn uncomfortable… This was the same car we disagreed about buying, my point being it was too expensive and too luxurious to use for the kids and the dog, but he went and bought it anyways… I kept thinking, do spouses feel comfortable in each other’s cars, do they normally treat it as their own, what is the common practice between them, why has our lives always been so separate. In 13 years of marriage, we never had a joint account, was I able to discuss how lavishly he spends his money; never did I feel that what is his is mine, even in my own home, I never felt at home.
I tried to tone the drama in my head and started to consider that it might be me, I might be too sensitive not him that is too dominating… from minute he told me he will pick me up I was already on edge, already anticipating and fearing a fight. Let me ask him about the car, I thought to myself, something he loves and would feel comfortable showing off. The music was just too loud for me to hear what he was saying, but I was so hesitant to ask him to lower it. In the past he used to ridicule me for being annoyed from loud noises, but again, maybe I’m the one who is building walls by not being myself. Is it as powerful as you expected? I asked. In the midst of traffic and us late, he decided to show me the car in speed and we ended up detouring from our route to school. I tried directing a shorter way, he got agitated and aggressive, so I stopped, late be it or not, it’s better than a fight.
Changing the subject didn’t work either. I asked him, if he wouldn’t mind delaying our daughter’s operation date for a week. He was very dismissive even before I finished my sentence… “NO” he said. As if he’s going to be the one staying with her or nursing her. He didn’t even ask me why, although I had the answers ready before he cut me off; for it to coincide with our other daughter’s school vacation, these things can get delayed if she happens to get even a tiny cold, the date I initially gave you was tentative and I tried brainstorming it with you, you hurried to logging in the date on your calendar with listening… He claimed that I just want to change it out of convenience and have no respect to his work schedule!!
Anyways… less than a minute of a semi-conversation, he ended up stopping the car in the middle of the road and kicking me out. Before I got out, he pulled me back in, saying he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean it that way. In what way did he mean it?? And seriously just a lame half felt apology, for how harsh and dismissive and rude he was, should do? Should that get me to start smiling again? He later attempted to explain that he cannot go back on his word about the timing with his boss and that all his behaviour is nothing but a reaction to mine. That I only see the negative, but dismissed him picking me up (a nice thing).
For days later, the sane discussion continued. He called me a screw-up and a failure and a lazy person who just wants to blame everyone around her for her paralyzed life… that i’m just a scared immature negative person who should just follow, because I am not worth him following me… that I have no regard to time and a bad role model to the kids…
It always hurts me, more than anything he says, when he mentions that I have accomplished nothing! Apparently I do carry my failures with me… hitting 40 and still afraid of change, afraid of letting go of the status quo, afraid of failures or embarrassment or reputation, if I attempt new experiences. I’m not blaming him for that, but still he never helped either. He criticised and belittled and made life harder for me, where stepping out of the rollercoaster he put me in would mean mental and logistical suicide … He planted terror of failure in me…
Why couldn’t I have been with someone who believed in me… who helped me become whatever I aspired to become, understood my insecurities and sensitivities and pushed me to overcome them… understood me… someone I could be comfortable and myself around… someone who isn’t harsh nor dismissive and helped me take those minute decisions that cripple me at times. Why couldn’t I be with someone who inspired me and supported me and embraced me… someone who would make my life easier not harder? Why couldn’t I be with someone I would feel safe being with, not constantly afraid of his insecurities or daemons coming out to get me? Why couldn’t I be with someone who push me beyond my fears not criticize and berated and belittled me… someone who liked me without judgments.
With him I feel like I’m drowning into never-land and sinking just deeper by the day. Paralysed by fear.
The sad thing is, I became comfortable in my uncomfortable zone and don’t know how to get out.