And to think for a second there I felt a spark… even from far away.
As I was dropping off the kids… walking towards him, I checked him out. I haven’t done that in ages… But that didn’t last long, the second I came closer, I felt the hostile energy, the resentment, the fear I had for him… As I came closer to say hi, he took a step back, so I just said good bye to the girls, left the bags and walked away.
Call it a gut feeling or learning for history, but I felt that doom day is coming… didn’t know when or how or why, but soon!
Last weekend we had a school event with the kids. We haven’t seen or talked to each other except for a few minutes over the past month, however, the day before he offered we’d go together. Why not? It would be fun for the kids that we’d all go as a family and I could use the extra hand there. What on earth would go wrong? All was good and dandy, at least from my end, with little contact until it was time to go, well until he decided it was time to go. We were on the phone trying to find each other, when he started to get a little snappy, but still ok…
A few minutes into the drive home hell broke loose… and for the life of me, I have no idea what triggered him this time? Insults, mocking, berating, threats… u name it… it came rushing in. I tried to tell him not to do this in front of the kids, specially that he kept calling me a looser and burden and names in front of them and started insulting my mother as well. I tried not to talk for him to stop, but he’d go silent for seconds and start again… that I don’t know how to keep a family and taking the easy way out, that I deserve to be disrespected in front of the kids and we should not hide this from them. He said that they should know that this is the way they should be treated if they become like me… that even the way I say his name is annoying to him and that I have no passion in me anymore. I asked him to either stop or let me out of the car, but that didn’t shut him either. He even scolded me for silently tearing up. He claimed that by leaving him, I’m taking the easy way out and burning bridges along the way…
I didn’t want to talk back in front of the kids hoping he’d stop, I didn’t want to not talk for them to think it’s ok for anyone to talk to anyone in that manner… I didn’t know what to do, and he just wouldn’t shut up.
Seriously, he thinks it’s easy going against him and his ego and his rage? No the easy thing is to lay my head down for u to step on every chance he gets, to say yes and ok and accept that I will always be his door mat and every now and then a a silent fuck!! To give up and just be led like a robot with a remote, to have no expectations or pride or feelings and dare ever get hurt. The easy way was not to marry him and not stand against the one person in my life I can never replace to be with him…
He BROKE ME and the easy thing is to stay broken…
I would have never thought that he of all people would hurt me so much over and over or break me so much… to be so critical and mean to an extent that caused my self-hate. I would have never expected that he would slowly erode my self-esteem until I did not have enough fight left in me even for myself. I would never have imagined that the one person I ever chose to love and marry and bare children with would ever have it in him to insult me every chance he gets… I have never thought that I would ever want to push him away to breath, when he was my oxygen!
I get it, he can barely understand or interpret his own feelings to get mine, he only feels when things touch him personally… he’s weak with his own self, but that will probably never negate how much I’m scared of him or being around him and hate who I am with him.
He was supposed to take them for the weekend, so as soon as we got home, I took them up and burst into tears in front of them in the elevator. I had no words to explain what has happened. I gathered my breath, gave each a shower, packed their bags and put him in his car… I couldn’t stop crying for hours after, I was screaming on the inside like a banshee who cannot find her voice.
He sent me a message later saying “I am sorry I bursted at you” and when I told him that I don’t accept it, he said “Suit yourself. Me apologizing doesn’t mean I accept your doings as well. Just thought you like the apologizing stuff. Never again. Bye”.
He owes his kids an apology for being such a dick and making them even for a second feel like they have a looser for a mother. He owes them years of therapy. When the came back, I asked them about what they thought or felt about what happened, I tried to explain, that this is why we do not live together anymore and that we both love them more than anything, but I can not ever accept anyone talking to me this way.
I probably wont forget the pain and abuse over the years, but for this I will never forgive him!
My 5-Year-old daughter said it best; “You don’t want to be married to someone who shouts at you and makes you cry… even if he is my daddy”.