I just was not into him…

A friend of mine passed by today to drop off a book; the same friend who I enjoyed flirting with and leading on a few months back. I haven’t seen him since the last time we kissed in his car and had no interest on doing so either, however a few days ago we started randomly texting again and there he was today in my apartment.

We sat and talked for a bit and then he leaned in to kiss me. The wired thing is.. I felt so repulsed. I didn’t push him back, well maybe pull away a little, but I didn’t feel anything… nichts… nada…

It was so wired, because it’s been quite a few months since someone touched me, so fuck yes I’m generally horny and miss sex, but all I really wanted to do is push him away. He couldn’t stay for long anyways, because he was already late for a meeting, so I knew it would not lead to anything, but still… I would have rather talked than made out… I would have rather he left!

I acted like I wasn’t comfortable, because the cleaning lady was here and might come in anytime, which she never would. I smiled and flirted that we have to stop! I acted like I was teasing him… But for some odd fucking reason I wasn’t turned on anymore.

He got up to go and held me to kiss again, so I turned around for him to be behind me. He put his hands on my braless-breasts on top of a wool dress I had on and I felt his dick harden, well yes flattering, but not that much of a turn on either!

Maybe because his kissing wasn’t that good… that made me want more…

Maybe because he’s a bit pushy and sleazily direct about it… and I’m not thrilled by the chase anymore that I just wasn’t turned on by him…

Maybe because I need my time to ease up to a person… and open up…

Maybe because he wouldn’t be just a one time fuck and there was a logistical possibility that I could hypothetically see him or fuck him whenever I wanted, of him me, that made me not want him in my space anymore…

But I was not that into him, especially at that time and place!

However, what I do know is that after that, a can of worms of unwanted and repressed feelings of my entire life opened up; unwelcomed touches, relentless pushiness from guys to get me to do what they want, invasion of space, fears, shyness of saying “No” along with lots of unheard “No’s” and Stop’s…

Fuck, I went through shit I chose to forget!

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