Relinquishing Control

I am with the kids all of damn time, I gave up everything to be hands on with them, but I am drained and over exhausted and sadly cannot stand hearing my own voice nagging and begging and trying to talk to two girls with all their complaints and requests and dramas at once any longer. I need my life back; I need to be able to support myself financially, need to get my social life back even if it’s only through social media during this Covid-19 times, need a break from them in order to be able to want to be around them. I feel like a terrible mother saying that, and judge myself for even thinking it, but I do need it! I’m not a happy person around them anymore; I’m not whatever role model they deserve… I’m a wreck…

So… Last week I decided to relinquish the kid’s responsibility a little and see how it works out. I have help in the morning; why not let her take care of them for a bit. Plus my mother is staying with me for a few days during this lockdown. They will probably be the people who will take over if/when I go back to work… so lets call it a mock-up!

I put the rules and schedule and wanted to see how it will work… would I be able to give up control, to just observe without interfering? Will they be up for the task? and it was sooo damn exhausting and a fucking fiasco.

I would wake up late or stay in my room for like an hour or two and then come out and join the crazy…well sleep is an over exaggeration, I can hear them screaming, hear all the rules being broken, hear my kids turning into nomads.

Neither brushes her teeth in the morning, no matter how many times I stress on the importance of that; neither gets anything worthwhile to eat, including the one that wakes up at 7:00am, no matter what I say.

My eldest wakes up very early and no one is awake, no one cared to wake up with her, so she ends up watching lots of unsupervised TV, YouTube Videos… etc and even when they did wake up with her, still no supervision, on what or how much she is watching and jumping from one screen to the next. After a few days I hid the remote, she would take my mother’s or the nanny’s phone, and both were totally ok with that as long they don’t have to wake up..

The youngest doesn’t wake up before 10 or 11, and no one cared to wake her up…. mostly because they were asleep too and partially because she is so much trouble when she does… Because my little one wakes up late, she ends up not sleeping early, and since I am the one who puts them to bed, it drives me insane. The later she wakes up, the later she sleeps…

When I asked why doesn’t anyone make them anything to eat and why are they watching TV, the nanny tells me that she told them to brush their teeth and not to watch TV, but it’s not her problem that they don’t listen to her. They also didn’t want to eat, “what am I supposed to do, stuff them”. My mother lives in her own lalaland and tells me if I want something done I should do it myself. It’s not her responsibility.

The other day I had somewhere to be midday, when I came back my daughter’s hair smelled like a chimney. My mom thinks that smoking around them wont hurt them… she smoked while breastfeeding us and smoked around us all the time and we turned out ok. It is all very sad. She also thinks that it’s no big deal to feed them junk or that they watch whatever they want. She will not supervise them.

I, of course, need my alone time after they fall asleep and I still have to walk the dog and sit with my mother who cries over my sister every night, after that I sit down to read something and by the time I’m relaxed enough to go to sleep it’s pretty late and it keep getting later and later.

When I get up, it’s time for one to start studying, I am the one who has to prepare their food and sit with them while they eat and study with my eldest who is of course now home schooled, set up their training schedule online and have to harass them to do each training and sit with them during their trainings and homework and also we need to play and maybe go for a walk or whatever because they are bored. I still need to also, walk the dog, clean and tidy the house, because the nanny claims was so busy with the kids.

I turn out to be terribly angry all the time because everything is out of schedule and time and place and for not getting any alone time. I feel for them really, but I become the monster who keeps nagging to get everything done.

By the end of the week, the little one couldn’t go to sleep before midnight, both are don’t eat breakfast anymore. I end up waking up later and later and we start eating late, studying late… the day has relayed.

So is this is how it will be like when I’m away? These are the responsible humans I’m leaving my kids with. Of course their father wouldn’t help. He wants me to suffer and be and stay financially dependent on him more and berate me with that.

I could change the nanny, but she’s been with us for two years and the kids love her. It will take me months to try out new help, someone, who I can afford and is educated or responsible enough.

Starting tom, I start waking up early again, to fix this whole disaster, which isn’t any better for me, but defiantly a little more organized for them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: