Fear of Loss…

I think today marks the first time I ever thought twice before texting him…

We met a few days ago and although after I left, I felt lighter and more confident than I have been in months, his silence this time scared me!

It is still weightless. It is still intimate and passionate… It’s still great sex. It is still comfortable and enjoyable and still does not feel like cheating, albeit all the surrounding circumstances and me being there; a place that should remind me that he has a family and home. I still feel myself melting in him. It is also truly exciting to know that I can still have new sexual sensations, that could make me explode in ways I never thought I would and let go of all control; a new gateway to pleasure. It is still gratifying to know that I am still wanted and craved for and lusted over. It is still exhilarating and kinky and thoughtless, where whatever I wanted to say or do or hear, was out there… no boundaries or walls or barriers between fantasies and reality.

I know that it’s his nature to withdraw a bit after we meet, that he usually takes a step back after sex, whether consciously or not, and it was always ok! This is not a common situation, so even if that, the predictability of knowing this is comforting, specially after living years with an unpredictable person. The good side of predictability that is, the kind that makes me feel safe in knowing what to expect, without any hassles of trying to always second guess. I take solace that he is someone I know; how he reacts or where and when his limits are.

However, this time, I felt a bit self-conscious! I kept thinking: Was it something I said or done? Does he not want this anymore? Did he enjoy it? Was I too easy, or perverted or preserved?  I for some reason, started to fear judgment from him, and this wasn’t strange for me in general, but this was a feeling I never felt with him.

Is it because I keep falling for him more and more and that is in fact fear of losing him and all what he is to me? Am I craving approval from him? Why now? Am I in too deep and that’s why I’m scared? Am I in a bad place in general and it’s reflecting where it shouldn’t have? Where is all this coming from?

This was my comfort zone! He is the one person, only person, with whom I never had to calculate my words or actions… with whom I could be as kincky as I wanted or weak or fucked up or vulnerable as can be and would not fear loosing him for who I am!

As uneasy as letting go was for me, I have always felt safe being vulnerable between his arms, without thinking what he might think of me. This is my no judgment safe house and my sexual outlet. That’s the best part of all this. I defiantly don’t want this feeling to persists… I like, not thinking or calculating or fearing judgment or reactions or rejections when I’m with him; the feelings that scare me from the rest of humanity.

I tried to talk sense to myself; even if there was something that bothered him or bothers him in me, why should I care? Why should he? It’s not that we’re spending our days or lives together for our dislikes in each other to matter. But it did!

Fuck it… I got laid and I so missed that. Also, being with him still makes me happy and I do, in a very fucked up way love this comfortable intimacy. As unhealthy this relationship is, it makes feel content and alive and no matter how far he is, he makes me unlonely.

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