Intense Callings

What’s the difference between liking someone and loving someone? What tips the scale… in family, is it the family bond? On a romantic level, is it physical attraction?…

These questions triggered a whole insane therapy session, where I came to the knowledge that I don’t really have those intense deep overwhelming feelings towards much in life. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to interpret my feelings, or that my feelings might be delayed, or that need for approval overrides what I do feel…

While we’re at the Topic, check out Alexithymia; Emotional Blindness.

When I was a child, I was always told that my expression of feelings were wrong, “you’re too excited” “you are not supposed to cry” “why are u smiling so much” “you’re overreacting” along with rolling of the eyes if I laugh too loud or weep too strong…

I believe that that made me not know how to interpret my own feelings as well as I should… made me not trust my own feelings. Is how I’m feeling is what I’m supposed to be feeling? A question that is always around in the back of my head. Most of the time, I used to rely on other people for interpreting the emotional details of my own personal or social events… watched them happy so I laughed, watched them aloof; so I became that, watched them sad, so I bowed my head down and become blue. I would also find some scene in my head that represents that and act it out… reactions to death, reactions to birth including my own, surprises…etc.  The first thing that comes to mind is: what am I supposed to feel?… and up until very recently, I was never myself with anyone!

I never fell head over heals in love. Perhaps, because I haven’t really experienced love as a child from my parents nor have I seen it within them to know how it should feel like. For me it was always a calculation… the definition of love is a+b+c+d, does this relationship contain such or not? Math… The anxiety and blood racing and butterflies were all things I could make up to prove to myself that I am in love. With my husband I felt that I was supposed to be in love with him… so I played along.

I probably don’t have intense feeling of hurt or pain as well, that my limit is way higher than it should be. Throughout my marriage to an abusive husband, and although he did hurt me more times than I can count, I would always believe him when he said that I’m overreacting and would always underestimate my feelings of pain or disappointment or disrespect. Not until I started to put other people in my shoes to imagine how they would react in such a situation, that I would take a stand. I took me a very long time in putting other people’s natural reactions in front of me, to take the the decision to leave, the decision that I shouldn’t be with him. Anyone who has gone through what I went through with him, should have left years ago. I should have been drowning in pain, not contemplating whether what he did was acceptable or painful enough. People would ask me, whether I loved him still and I didn’t know, I didn’t know how I should be feeling. logically I was not supposed to, so that’s what I became! Not in love. There was nothing inside to begin with, I felt nothing towards him. A dream of love, maybe that’s what it was.

He now tells me that I don’t and never did know how to love, maybe he is right, or maybe just that’s part of his sick abuse too… I really cannot tell. Should I have hurt more or loved more?

A hobby, a passion, interests!!! My whole life, I’ve been waiting for this calling for something. Photography, law, construction, poetry, writing, crafts, yoga, ideas, projects… I can do these things, I could still do any of them. I just don’t have overpowering irresistible enthusiasm for anything, nothing like u see in the movies or hear in success stories! Even for such a so very personal matter, I would more often than not gather my cues from other people. How would they feel if I do that? Seriously, how do people feel towards their passions? How do they figure it out? Is it like a scream deep inside? Does their heart race? What? What am I supposed to have a passion for?

I never used to get overwhelmingly happy either. What have I done to deserve happiness? What have I done to feel pride, or self worth, or passion… how do they feel? Until now, most of which I genuinely do not understand…

The only feelings I do really get are guilt and anger and maybe physical attraction… These feelings I have allowed myself to feel, to understand and acknowledge, and for some reason denied myself any other feeling? Because everything else pours back to whether I believe I deserve that or not or am I supposed to or not or how am I supposed to feel to start with… and they all just feel more or less with the same intensity… it’s this feeling of, errr, I’m not quite comfortable with this, it’s not quite right or hmm, I don’t hate this or that feels ok.

Obviously, I’ve got a vocabulary for them, I know somewhat what they are supposed to feel like, but I don’t think I tend to generally use the adjectives quite right. But after a year of therapy, it became apparent that when I talk about emotions I don’t actually know what I’m talking about.

But I decided that I will no longer look for these intense callings in me any longer, they probably will never come and I will just accept that I should just look for whatever I just am ok with and that does not make me angry or guilty! I decided that I would let myself be…. I am learning to let go…and it’s liberating…

10 thoughts on “Intense Callings

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  1. “A hobby, a passion, interests!!! My whole life, I’ve been waiting for this calling for something. Photography, law, construction, poetry, writing, crafts, yoga, ideas, projects… I can do these things, I could still do any of them. I just don’t have overpowering irresistible enthusiasm for anything, nothing like u see in the movies or hear in success stories! Even for such a so very personal matter, I would more often than not gather my cues from other people. How would they feel if I do that? Seriously, how do people feel towards their passions? How do they figure it out? Is it like a scream deep inside? Does their heart race? What? What am I supposed to have a passion for?”

    This is scary, are you fucking me? WTF

    Like

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