This is how I feel now. I don’t know if this is going to change, or it’s only because I have pulled myself out of the drama for the past month, but hopefully not… because finally I reached a good place about all this.
About a month ago, he opened fire on me. It was not just verbal insults, he found it in him to humiliate me and berate me and hurt me to my very core… He took every weakness and strength and twisted it into my soul… he bombarded me with shame and guilt and threats… He told me that I am not capable of love… that I’m irresponsible and useless… that I deserve to beaten… even my sexuality for fucks sake; he told me that all I’m good for is to open my legs.
All this because he had planned a family outing and I woke up sick that morning and cancelled on him.
That day, I tried to make him stop, tried to block him, tried to even threaten him to stop… but nothing worked. For 6 hours straight, he found a way to reach me and say whatever he wanted to say, found ways to drag me into conversations and turn my defensiveness on, found a way to cut through me with all his force.
After days of crying and barely getting myself together, I realised that I had two choices: One: Treat him like a hostile stranger with all that it entails; file a legal complaint, file for divorce with evidence of abuse along with a restraining order, stay as far away as possible, which would lead to cutting him from his kids completely, sell whatever assist I have and be completely financially responsible for the kids alone, somehow stop being afraid of him…
or Two: Deal with him as a mental patient, who goes into regular unpredictable ugly tantrums and all I need to just limit dealing with him for my own sanity.
Considering that, I still want the kids to have a good relationship with their father and that I never want to destroy his image in front of the kids and that I do not want him to force me to turn into a cruel person just because he is. In addition to that, it’s just not in me, to do that or be that. Thus, I opted option number two instead.
And what a relief that was.
I stopped being resentful and angry and pissed at him, I stopped regretting how bad our relationship reached and hating him and myself. I started to apprehend that he does not know how to express any emotion except through anger and hostility; disappointment be it or fear; but that it isn’t his fault and whatever words he says are not meant for me. I started to consider, that he doesn’t hate me or mean to disrespect me (I hope), he is just fucked up and that is not on me anymore.
I started to understand that he is not the villain in the story, he’s the addict, the patient and I was an enabler.
I was looking at a YouTube interview he’s done a few days ago and my old self would judge the way he talks and what he’s talking about and would keep telling myself yeah everybody likes you and everybody thinks you’re smart, but nobody has ever lived with you… nobody knows your ugly self inside. But I didn’t do that. I don’t feel that judggy anymore I don’t feel that mad at him anymore. I actually watched it and was quite proud and quite peaceful about him and wish him more and more successes. He’s talented and smart and sociable and a good boss from what i keep hearing. Yes… this level of serenity towards him I have never felt before.
Nevertheless, I do not want to ever forget what he has done over the years and I am consciously reminding myself that was not ok! Mainly because I don’t want to give him the leeway to ever do that again.
However, I finally reached the serenity on this issue. I will cherish the good moments, will always value the good times, and the love I used to have for him I will carry dearly in my heart. I also started to appreciate the fun memories, the time spent together and whatever impact we had on each other.
I don’t know where he is, but I also forgive myself for where I have contributed to the failure of this relationship and the enabling of his abuse. Although, looking back, with the knowledge I know now, I would have defiantly done it differently; I couldn’t have then… because who I was then. I was weaker, scared, self-conscious, didn’t have an ounce of self worth, abused all my life to an extent that I didn’t even recognise that this was abuse. I barely stood up for myself, torn between pleasing him and pleasing my mother and myself, every word he said held weight, every criticism held me back and I let that happen… the me back then, would have done the same over and over again… the me back then didn’t know when and how to stop him early on. However, I changed and grew and built a support system.
My self now, forgives my younger self for playing a part in my own abuse.
Bottom line is; it was never going to work no matter how much we have tried to fix it then and defiantly not now and whether I fucked it up or he fucked it up does not really matter anymore. Neither of us are the same people anymore.
The only thing is that I don’t think I can still confront him about all this just yet. Not because I don’t want to end it and not because I still have hope for him to change or the situation to change or still have this illusion that I used to have a while ago that he might regret apologise and promise not to do again. But because I understand that he needs to reach all this on his own and I need to work on me just a tad longer and telling him will suck me into his cycle again.
So for now, cheers to him and all the good memories.