Suddenly he’s nice… suddenly he drops compliments and subtle flirtations and even jokes with me. Suddenly he’s sending me music that reminds him of me and even wants to help me find a job and a passion.
He even offered to drive me home one day and helped me with a flat tire after a funeral we both went to and drove behind me till I got home.
Maybe for other couples, that might be a norm, but for us, for him with me, it’s a fucking leap. It’s been such a long wait for these small gestures. It’s been ages since he got out of his way for me. It’s been ages since I saw the pleasant side of him. I had forgotten how nice he used to be, I had forgotten how close we once were before marriage and traveling and kids. I had forgotten that once so very long ago he was my teenage best friend… the person I loved to spend hours talking to and go camping with and share with and complain to.
The problem is, it is too damn late… his reserve with me went bankrupt after years of abuse and anger and neglect.
Sitting with all our friends at the funeral, I felt like an outsider. Yes… I have disappeared a little after the separation, but it felt really bad. It also felt terrible, because they were talking with him about issues and situations that he’s been going through; things that I know nothing about. I felt I didn’t know him. I sat there remembering that I was once ages ago those friends and when we got married, I thought that this was what I would get.
Little did I know; I wasn’t his friend anymore nor him mine any longer. Not only that, but in the years of marriage and specially after having kids, not in my darkest moments did he get out of his way for me, been there when I needed him nor done the slightest effort or cared to be there. He barely showed interest in a conversation except for sex or for some selfish reason. All I wanted was good communication, respect, empathy and basic niceness.
Emotional bank accounts are built on how safe and comfortable and yourself you feel with that person. It’s built on understanding and listening and care. It’s built on knowing that the person will be there for you as the implicit vows of marriage entail. It’s also attending to the little things and apologising when you hurt the person you’re with.
So much has already been fucked up and broken between us, so many bad moments over turned the good and he withdrew every ounce he has ever put in that account and then some.
Nevertheless, I always wondered what was so wrong with me that made him deal with me that way… until I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t all me he hated. A big part of was probably him being rejected from my mother that made him angry at me me. He hated her more than he loved me and punished them through me and I think he wanted to prove that he was better, in proving that I was worse. It was his parents telling him that I’ll never be a good wife, that made him treated me harshly and wanted to change and reconfigure and judged me with a fist of iron…
Maybe if he had took his blindfold for a minute, he might have appreciated and loved and cared… maybe if he appreciated what he misses now, he would have done the effort… maybe if he deposited in the account more than he pulled out, I would still have some tolerance to bear.
But again… it’s too late…
I don’t think he understands how much such retaliation has caused us… He managed to push me away, that no matter what I did or what I gave or what I withstood or what I sacrificed was ever good enough… He was so cruel and inattentive to an extent that helping me with a flat tire in the middle of the night was impressive for me. That is just so sad…
But again… and again… it is too damn late.
On the good side, we managed to be civil lately, we managed to talk about logistics and financials regarding the kids without him loosing it in anger of denial that we are done, and like I said, he’s even being nice… well nicer.