When simple Niceness is impressive…

Suddenly he’s nice... suddenly he drops compliments and subtle flirtations and even jokes with me. Suddenly he’s sending me music that reminds him of me and even wants to help me find a job and a passion. He even offered to drive me home one day and helped me with a flat tire after a... Continue Reading →

Such Passion is Prayer…

Laying in my bed after he left, the same bed he was just on, smelling him on my pillow and on my sheets… in awe of what just happened. I could still feel his lips on me, his hands upon me, his arms embracing me, his breath united with mine. I was in complete serenity.... Continue Reading →

Being there for Him… Forcing him to let go…

I knew I had to back off… it was getting too complicated lately and I didn’t want to use him like that anymore... he started saying things like "I missed you" and "I don't know how we could stop" and "You're addictive". As flattering as that is, I didn't want him to miss me... and... Continue Reading →

Sex, as a refuge, blues

I have sex for all kinds of reasons, one of which is, of course, my relentless passionate desires and the love of sex and seduction itself. But I also find refuge in fucking... I have had sex when I’m happy and when I’m sad, when I am angry or frustrated and when I’m confident and... Continue Reading →

Sex for my own Validation…

Following up on my last post Releasing my Sexual Energy with a Friend. He passed by again the following night… it was a much smoother conversation, albeit filled with sexual insinuations. Although, I had no idea how it was going to go, nonetheless, I did think about it and plan for it just in case... Continue Reading →

Releasing my Sexual Energy with a Friend

A couple of days ago a friend of mine passed by… We ordered food and had wine along with a very long and profound conversation about our fucked up marriages and ended up talking about our sex lives during our marriages. We had very different experiences. For me sex was of the most important reasons... Continue Reading →

Pictures… Accepting my Sufferings

I was posting an Instagram story for a friend and found myself scrolling through old pictures. Without even noticing I found myself led to a very long trip down memory lane… 16 years of memories of our life together. If anyone saw them, they would probably swear that we were one of the happiest and... Continue Reading →

Cheers to all our memories…

This is how I feel now. I don’t know if this is going to change, or it’s only because I have pulled myself out of the drama for the past month, but hopefully not… because finally I reached a good place about all this. About a month ago, he opened fire on me. It was... Continue Reading →

She woke up breathless

She woke up breathlesstears socking in her eyes...and the pillow beneath her couldn’t handle all the cries Disillusioned by a nightmarethat hasn’t appeared to her in years Was it because her life has crumbledand the years spent has proven inept?Was it because she missed the lifeshe no longer could accept Being imprisoned in her own... Continue Reading →

My understanding of a Healthy Relationship… after years of Abuse

The idea of a stable healthy relationship has always been so far fetched that in my 16 years with him, all I knew was how much he hurt me and all I ever wanted is for that to stop, all I wanted was for the nice moments to last just a tad longer than they... Continue Reading →

Intense Callings

What’s the difference between liking someone and loving someone? What tips the scale... in family, is it the family bond? On a romantic level, is it physical attraction?… These questions triggered a whole insane therapy session, where I came to the knowledge that I don't really have those intense deep overwhelming feelings towards much in... Continue Reading →

Fear of Loss…

I think today marks the first time I ever thought twice before texting him... We met a few days ago and although after I left, I felt lighter and more confident than I have been in months, his silence this time scared me! It is still weightless. It is still intimate and passionate... It’s still... Continue Reading →

Was Lonelier with him than I am without Him…

All through my marriage, I was always in the defensive mode. Shielding myself from the accusations, seeing my life through his needs and myself through his critical eyes and trying to be not disapproved of. I would see discontent in his looks and lay awake wondering what have I done wrong now, how can he... Continue Reading →

I’m sorry the walls between reality and your innocence are fading…

We always want to show our children the best of the world, the kindness of the world, the beauty and positive, the love and compassion, the laughter and the passion. And when the cruel realities of life show itself in any form, we try to cover their eyes, shield them from the pain. They are... Continue Reading →

Missing You Tonight

I miss you… and it’s fucked-up I know,‘cause you’re not mine to miss or want or crave… but I do! I miss your scent, your touch and your smile..I miss giving myself to you… and feel it meltingI miss staring in your eyes without distress…I miss flirting and laughing and … the silence Do you... Continue Reading →

Relinquishing Control

I am with the kids all of damn time, I gave up everything to be hands on with them, but I am drained and over exhausted and sadly cannot stand hearing my own voice nagging and begging and trying to talk to two girls with all their complaints and requests and dramas at once any... Continue Reading →

Horrifying Memories Unraveling…

I lived my life thinking “what gives me the right to deserve anything since I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile”. Whatever accomplishment I achieved I would belittle, whatever compliment I’d receive meant nothing, whatever milestone or hardship I would survive, was barely mediocre in comparison to the perfection I had to measure up to. However, over... Continue Reading →

I just was not into him…

A friend of mine passed by today to drop off a book; the same friend who I enjoyed flirting with and leading on a few months back. I haven’t seen him since the last time we kissed in his car and had no interest on doing so either, however a few days ago we started... Continue Reading →

I will never forgive him for that…

And to think for a second there I felt a spark... even from far away. As I was dropping off the kids... walking towards him, I checked him out. I haven’t done that in ages… But that didn’t last long, the second I came closer, I felt the hostile energy, the resentment, the fear I... Continue Reading →

I want OUT…

You know those people who kill themselves and you wonder... WHY? They have everything, they have a good life… I've never seen them cry! I woke up today wanting to shout; “I just want out” Out of this life this marriage this world and my own skin Out of being a mother a daughter a... Continue Reading →

He planted fear in me…

He came the other day and asked me if I wanted to talk. I had nothing to talk about, or maybe I have too much to say that it just feels useless to do so, discuss issues I have already discussed over and over before and state the obvious. I had nothing that I could... Continue Reading →

A Car to Wait in…

As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back. I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the... Continue Reading →

Single Parenting is killing my Essence…

I’m done with the kids birthday season… and I’m so damn exhausted. It’s not that it’s hard, but I just hate doing all this alone. I’m tired of being a single parent during or outside the marriage, with a supposedly partner who doesn’t contribute. Ohhh yes he pays for it, but that’s it. He comes... Continue Reading →

It started with a Kiss

When I met him; he was married and I was married so I thought, “well this is safe”. We would meet and talk for hours; from one interesting conversation to the next and over a very short period we became close, and without even realising it I opened up to him and him to me... Continue Reading →

We should just watch a movie or fuck…

I slept with my supposedly to be ex-husband again… yes again and it is insane, because we are still separated and we still haven't resolved anything and we can still barely communicate. Usually, he comes over, tries to seduce me or wear me down until I just give in or he gives up. However, this... Continue Reading →

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