When simple Niceness is impressive…

Suddenly he’s nice... suddenly he drops compliments and subtle flirtations and even jokes with me. Suddenly he’s sending me music that reminds him of me and even wants to help me find a job and a passion. He even offered to drive me home one day and helped me with a flat tire after a... Continue Reading →

Cheers to all our memories…

This is how I feel now. I don’t know if this is going to change, or it’s only because I have pulled myself out of the drama for the past month, but hopefully not… because finally I reached a good place about all this. About a month ago, he opened fire on me. It was... Continue Reading →

My understanding of a Healthy Relationship… after years of Abuse

The idea of a stable healthy relationship has always been so far fetched that in my 16 years with him, all I knew was how much he hurt me and all I ever wanted is for that to stop, all I wanted was for the nice moments to last just a tad longer than they... Continue Reading →

Was Lonelier with him than I am without Him…

All through my marriage, I was always in the defensive mode. Shielding myself from the accusations, seeing my life through his needs and myself through his critical eyes and trying to be not disapproved of. I would see discontent in his looks and lay awake wondering what have I done wrong now, how can he... Continue Reading →

I’m sorry the walls between reality and your innocence are fading…

We always want to show our children the best of the world, the kindness of the world, the beauty and positive, the love and compassion, the laughter and the passion. And when the cruel realities of life show itself in any form, we try to cover their eyes, shield them from the pain. They are... Continue Reading →

I will never forgive him for that…

And to think for a second there I felt a spark... even from far away. As I was dropping off the kids... walking towards him, I checked him out. I haven’t done that in ages… But that didn’t last long, the second I came closer, I felt the hostile energy, the resentment, the fear I... Continue Reading →

He planted fear in me…

He came the other day and asked me if I wanted to talk. I had nothing to talk about, or maybe I have too much to say that it just feels useless to do so, discuss issues I have already discussed over and over before and state the obvious. I had nothing that I could... Continue Reading →

A Car to Wait in…

As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back. I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the... Continue Reading →

Single Parenting is killing my Essence…

I’m done with the kids birthday season… and I’m so damn exhausted. It’s not that it’s hard, but I just hate doing all this alone. I’m tired of being a single parent during or outside the marriage, with a supposedly partner who doesn’t contribute. Ohhh yes he pays for it, but that’s it. He comes... Continue Reading →

We should just watch a movie or fuck…

I slept with my supposedly to be ex-husband again… yes again and it is insane, because we are still separated and we still haven't resolved anything and we can still barely communicate. Usually, he comes over, tries to seduce me or wear me down until I just give in or he gives up. However, this... Continue Reading →

Marriage and Romanticism Survivor

I survived 13 years of marriage... not in the sense that marriage is hard and I managed to make it work, but like people survive cancer… I am a marriage survivor! It was like going through an enchanted forest, and found myself fighting daemons and mutants and shape shifters and goblins and zombies and elves...... Continue Reading →

Anniversary Dinner

He texted the night before that he wants to invite me to an evening and night together… I was dreading that he would, although not in 6 years have we went out to celebrate that day; actually it’s been 6 years since we went out for dinner at all. I felt very weird about it,... Continue Reading →

Being the Good Girl is draining!

Do I have to, from now on because my sister bailed, always be the good daughter, the dependable one, the responsible, the respectable one? … The one who is there for my parents all the time? The one who has to help get my mother out of her brutal angry depression, answer her every call... Continue Reading →

I am definitely giving him Mixed Signals… Hoovering Part II

As I was picking up my daughter from his place yesterday… he decided to come with us in the car back home… some excuse about not being able to work at his place. I didn’t really understand but I didn’t really ask... It was an awkward day already and mind was totally else where. We... Continue Reading →

The Crane Wife Article

The Crane Wife, by CJ Hauser is one of the deepest relationship articles I have read, one that is so eloquently and delicately written. I was forwarded the piece by a friend and, for the days following, I kept reading it over and over again and realized it was shared among a number of women…. On... Continue Reading →

Amsterdam Invite… Hoovering Part I

After days of fighting about how much I have broken the family and that I have no empathy of what he’s going through and don’t care about his happiness... screaming about how I am now controlling his time with his girls when I am too immature, with no plan nor vision, to have such authority... Continue Reading →

You suck, I hate you, I’m going to hurt you, I love you… Repeat

I am so tired of this rollercoaster of emotions he goes through and pours down on me every chance he gets... It starts with a message of how much I have fucked up the family and destroyed his life and screwing up the kids' lives and creating a dysfunctional environment for everyone... to he’s been... Continue Reading →

My Sister is a Wreck… and I feel helpless…

We have not been everyday close, but she is the closest thing to my heart... and I miss her and I hate that she has become so messed-up that I don’t even recognise her. She’s my only sister, and I know that if shit hits the fan, she'll be the only one in my corner... Continue Reading →

Understanding Guilt…

Someone I got to know recently got me flowers yesterday… it was a thank you he said. Well, he didn't say why, but I think maybe for helping him out with a conversation he was afraid to have and/or maybe also because I got him to his first yoga class, which he dreaded to begin… I... Continue Reading →

A Narcissist’s Reaction to Separation…

Well I believe that all of us have traces of narcissistic traits, but some just have it so pronounced... My dear old husband texted me the other day and stayed texting for 8 hours… 8 continues hours of hateful messages filled with pain but stuffed with angry and extremely hurtful and insulting words, bringing up 12... Continue Reading →

Can Pride prevent a Parent from seeing his Children?

I don’t get how a father has such an ego to an extent not to see his kids… and such an audacity to claim that because I am the one who asked for the separation or as he so adversely puts it “kicked him out of the house and deprived him from sleeping in the... Continue Reading →

Dealing with the Guilt of ending the Marriage…

I had a dream of a wonderful and happy marriage, a relationship of passion and respect that I would be proud of... Perhaps a utopian dream or some over compensation from my parents' failed marriage, but I was willing with my whole soul and being to give it my all and to sacrifice whatever it... Continue Reading →

I lost myself in him…

I have always kept certain truths about myself contained from people, where along the years I learnt to play roles with people to either please or fit-in or avoid criticism or judgment… I wasn’t really my true self except with maybe a couple of people, which defiantly did not include my husband. In my marriage,... Continue Reading →

He Burnt the Last String…

It was the last string and he managed to pull it, tear it and burn it... It wasn’t about the car! It disclosed way much more… It revealed that I am and never will be his priority, and he will never appreciate me nor the effort I have put in this marriage and with the... Continue Reading →

I jumped…

I just held my breath and jumped… and for the past week I feel like I am still in the air… can barely grasp for air, it’s like oxygen refuses to go in, I feel disoriented and angry and scared and have no idea what is waiting for me at the bottom of that jump.... Continue Reading →

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: