Mother-Husband Battle

I know that, at the end of the day, how my life turned out to be is a result of all my choices and that they are all on me... but they were all choices played in someone else’s game! I was born to a single powerhouse mother that made a name for herself through a... Continue Reading →

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Virtually Sexual now turning Real

It was only all virtually sexual until that moment... it turned factual.. physical .. alive! It was actually happening ... and it felt nice, it felt right, but it was fast and incomplete and the setting was bad. He left and I went blank, worried about all the non-essential feelings I know don't matter; fear... Continue Reading →

Perfect Imperfections

I was at my weekly cards game with my three closest girl-friends from University. They were trying to convince me that I should start a photography business and that my husband through his critical destructive attitude has screwed my self-esteem throughout the years and they have seen how much I have changed... But anyways... I... Continue Reading →

What does it mean..?

What does it mean when u ask your spouse for a separation and he calls you spoilt and childish! What does it mean when you tell your parter you don't love him anymore he doesn't take you seriously? I told him in the presence of one of his best friends that I do not want to... Continue Reading →

Will you understand when I ask you to leave?

How will it be when I tell you to leave? Are going to be raging and angry and violent? Will you accuse and shame me for breaking us apart? Or will you understand? I picture your good byes and the blame in your eyes I imagine your pain and that i'd be breaking your heart... Continue Reading →

No more meaningless Sex with him

He came on to me last night... I was so horny yet frustrated at the same time. I did want to … but I didn’t want him… and we were not ok … He woke me up, from a wet erotic threesome dream, by kissing that special part right between the back of my ear and... Continue Reading →

Sharing Sexual Fantasies…

There are unbelievable highs and lows that come along trying new sexual practices and, for the longest time, mine have been locked in my own fantasy world. Aside from its morality, having recently unbagged the daemon that is exposing myself to another, my fantasy world has been coming out one by one. It’s absolutely wonderful... Continue Reading →

My Intervention!

I went down with my two best friends yesterday. They wanted to discuss me and my abusive marriage. It was so uncomfortable I had to chug two tequila shots and half a bottle of wine in the first 10mim just to get myself to listen. One of them has been recently divorced after an 8... Continue Reading →

Lonely and Distant

I woke up lonely today... It's not that I don’t have friends or family... but I feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my dreams... I feel remote and distant from the world surrounding me, like I don’t belong. I don’t belong in this house, in this marriage, nor in this environment… I am... Continue Reading →

Smile More Mum…

I usually ask my daughters questions about how they view me to help me understand myself and my relationship with them better. Me: What does mummy need to do more of? My five year old, without hesitation, told me that I need to smile more. She is right. Smiling plays a very important role in... Continue Reading →

Two-Day Yoga Retreat

I packed my bags and left... didn’t listen to his insults nor his commands of not to go. I needed this for me. I needed to breath; inhale life without the burdens or anxieties. I needed to switch off from the ugliness and cleanse my mind to be able to survive the next phase of... Continue Reading →

Crucify Your Mind

I was lying there in the sun, with my headphones on, listening to music after a wonderful morning yoga practice. For almost half an hour it was more than serene, feeling the sun’s heat against my face and the rhythm in my heart, feet tapping and mumbling the words. I have heard them before so... Continue Reading →

The Girl in Rags

This barley 6 year old girl in rags is playing with a puppy and a stick... she then crosses the street and just sits there, gazing upon the one lane unpaved dirt road. What is her tiny mind thinking of, what is she aspiring to, why does she look so worried? Is she thinking of... Continue Reading →

Lost my ability to identify Abuse

After years of emotional and verbal abuse, I believe I have lost the ability to understand the difference between an abusive controlling relationship and regular relationship conflicts... I have lived in the abnormal for so long that my inner scale to tell what is normal behavior and what isn’t has completely lost its balance. Where... Continue Reading →

I Crave Him

You know that feeling when you crave something so bad that you can smell it or taste or feel its texture between you fingertips... I’m craving for him I crave a touch I have only dreamt about but never experienced... I crave him in me, around me and all over me… I crave a bond... Continue Reading →

Taking the Decision

In Paulo Coelho’s book, Adultery; a book about a women who has this supposedly perfect life, but apathetic about it, and starts an affair she says: “Today I am a woman torn between the terror that everything might change and the equal terror that everything might carry on exactly the same for the rest of... Continue Reading →

So what is it? An Affair-ish?

"Had we followed through with the plan.. it would have turned into an affair".. that's probably true! It got me thinking of what is an affair? Where is the line drawn? When should one start to feel guilty? With SEX!? According to Wikipedia "An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship, or passionate attachment between... Continue Reading →

Am I Addicted to Misery?

I woke up angry... I want to scream and cry and sleep forever... It shouldn’t have been this way... I have wasted 13 years of my life on a dream of a marriage that never came to be. Every year I say I am giving it one more year, one more chance... and every year... Continue Reading →

My Secret Meditation Technique..

I have been trying to meditate for years... My thoughts always took over and I could barely breath till 3 before my active brain rushed with all the random and not so random thoughts... I tried the mantra meditation, it lasts a tad longer, but then it becomes repetitive that my thoughts sneak up on... Continue Reading →

My Devil’s Advocate Conversation

I am hesitant and indecisive and I just realised (although being constantly told otherwise in the past) that it is not because I am weak ... it’s merely because I involve other people in my decisions in my head! I fear judgment, which is a big part of it... and I fear all the negative possibilities that... Continue Reading →

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