Horrifying Memories Unraveling…

I lived my life thinking “what gives me the right to deserve anything since I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile”. Whatever accomplishment I achieved I would belittle, whatever compliment I’d receive meant nothing, whatever milestone or hardship I would survive, was barely mediocre in comparison to the perfection I had to measure up to. However, over... Continue Reading →

I just was not into him…

A friend of mine passed by today to drop off a book; the same friend who I enjoyed flirting with and leading on a few months back. I haven’t seen him since the last time we kissed in his car and had no interest on doing so either, however a few days ago we started... Continue Reading →

I will never forgive him for that…

And to think for a second there I felt a spark... even from far away. As I was dropping off the kids... walking towards him, I checked him out. I haven’t done that in ages… But that didn’t last long, the second I came closer, I felt the hostile energy, the resentment, the fear I... Continue Reading →

I want OUT…

You know those people who kill themselves and you wonder... WHY? They have everything, they have a good life… I've never seen them cry! I woke up today wanting to shout; “I just want out” Out of this life this marriage this world and my own skin Out of being a mother a daughter a... Continue Reading →

He planted fear in me…

He came the other day and asked me if I wanted to talk. I had nothing to talk about, or maybe I have too much to say that it just feels useless to do so, discuss issues I have already discussed over and over before and state the obvious. I had nothing that I could... Continue Reading →

A Car to Wait in…

As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back. I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the... Continue Reading →

Single Parenting is killing my Essence…

I’m done with the kids birthday season… and I’m so damn exhausted. It’s not that it’s hard, but I just hate doing all this alone. I’m tired of being a single parent during or outside the marriage, with a supposedly partner who doesn’t contribute. Ohhh yes he pays for it, but that’s it. He comes... Continue Reading →

It started with a Kiss

When I met him; he was married and I was married so I thought, “well this is safe”. We would meet and talk for hours; from one interesting conversation to the next and over a very short period we became close, and without even realising it I opened up to him and him to me... Continue Reading →

Anniversary Dinner

He texted the night before that he wants to invite me to an evening and night together… I was dreading that he would, although not in 6 years have we went out to celebrate that day; actually it’s been 6 years since we went out for dinner at all. I felt very weird about it,... Continue Reading →

Weightless Passion

Although, but not long ago I was naked in his arms and him in mine, I crave for him still. I crave for that bond, for that intimacy, for having him let go to me and with me... Once the storm of every day passes, and the silence comes, I feel the tsunami of longing... Continue Reading →

Being the Good Girl is draining!

Do I have to, from now on because my sister bailed, always be the good daughter, the dependable one, the responsible, the respectable one? … The one who is there for my parents all the time? The one who has to help get my mother out of her brutal angry depression, answer her every call... Continue Reading →

Family Pillar Crumbling…

In order not to regret going on any anger spree, I have been letting it eat me alive! Nevertheless, I have been extremely angry these past weeks ... and that is not who I am... I am not one to get anger triggered that easily and if I do, I usually could easily control my... Continue Reading →

I am definitely giving him Mixed Signals… Hoovering Part II

As I was picking up my daughter from his place yesterday… he decided to come with us in the car back home… some excuse about not being able to work at his place. I didn’t really understand but I didn’t really ask... It was an awkward day already and mind was totally else where. We... Continue Reading →

Her Abused Ego-Trip is going to get her Killed…

So yes it was partly my fault that my arm might be permanently damaged and I look like Frankenstein with all the stiches and muscle deformation. It will probably take me months before I could do any yoga or handstands again, or even carry anything over the weight of my phone or not have anyone... Continue Reading →

Why it was terrifying to say “I love you”

I say it to my family, my kids and my dog all the time. I even say it to my friends and every now to random strangers that for any reason brightened my day. But when it came to someone I was actually developing heavy feelings for it was really hard and scary to admit…... Continue Reading →

What is a loving relationship?

During one of my therapy sessions, a few weeks ago, I told my therapist that I do not think that I really believe in true love anymore and after you feel love for a child the rest is just worthless. He, my therapist, so patiently told me “because you have never been in a loving relationship before” and... Continue Reading →

My Best Friend of over 20 years tried to Kiss Me!

Later that night, one of my oldest friends called and wanted to talk, so I invited him over for some drinks at the bar downstairs in the hotel where I was staying... of course I had to make up a lie about why I was staying at a hotel while my apartment is kids-free for... Continue Reading →

Amsterdam Invite… Hoovering Part I

After days of fighting about how much I have broken the family and that I have no empathy of what he’s going through and don’t care about his happiness... screaming about how I am now controlling his time with his girls when I am too immature, with no plan nor vision, to have such authority... Continue Reading →

The Story behind Affairs…Who Started it?

There has actually never been one definition to what counts as marital cheating, however regardless of how you would define it; porn, sexting, fantasizing about other people or a full-blown romantic affair, I do not believe it starts there… the story of most infidelities starts waaaay before that. In marriage we tend to turn to... Continue Reading →

What are you waiting for? Divorce him already!

People keep asking me why don’t I just divorce him already and get it over with... What are you waiting for? It's been three months since he moved out! They tend to assume that because I am not insisting and pushing for a divorce that I still want him, or that I am keeping the... Continue Reading →

Becoming aware of my Inner Critics

I have recently become aware that I have three ghosts in my life… One, is floating near the corner of my head. She is constantly whispering in my ear to watch out for judgments… warning me from the scrutinisation I am going to receive for my decisions or actions… cautioning me that whatever choice I... Continue Reading →

You suck, I hate you, I’m going to hurt you, I love you… Repeat

I am so tired of this rollercoaster of emotions he goes through and pours down on me every chance he gets... It starts with a message of how much I have fucked up the family and destroyed his life and screwing up the kids' lives and creating a dysfunctional environment for everyone... to he’s been... Continue Reading →

My Sister is a Wreck… and I feel helpless…

We have not been everyday close, but she is the closest thing to my heart... and I miss her and I hate that she has become so messed-up that I don’t even recognise her. She’s my only sister, and I know that if shit hits the fan, she'll be the only one in my corner... Continue Reading →

Understanding Guilt…

Someone I got to know recently got me flowers yesterday… it was a thank you he said. Well, he didn't say why, but I think maybe for helping him out with a conversation he was afraid to have and/or maybe also because I got him to his first yoga class, which he dreaded to begin… I... Continue Reading →

A Narcissist’s Reaction to Separation…

Well I believe that all of us have traces of narcissistic traits, but some just have it so pronounced... My dear old husband texted me the other day and stayed texting for 8 hours… 8 continues hours of hateful messages filled with pain but stuffed with angry and extremely hurtful and insulting words, bringing up 12... Continue Reading →

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