A Marriage that does Not End!

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. Not that the past months haven’t been eventful, at least emotionally, but other than for a few new incidents, they’ve just been redundant. The same patterns with the same anger and pain and pettiness and… excitement and vulnerability and passion I guess… with the same confrontation and... Continue Reading →

When simple Niceness is impressive…

Suddenly he’s nice... suddenly he drops compliments and subtle flirtations and even jokes with me. Suddenly he’s sending me music that reminds him of me and even wants to help me find a job and a passion. He even offered to drive me home one day and helped me with a flat tire after a... Continue Reading →

Sex, as a refuge, blues

I have sex for all kinds of reasons, one of which is, of course, my relentless passionate desires and the love of sex and seduction itself. But I also find refuge in fucking... I have had sex when I’m happy and when I’m sad, when I am angry or frustrated and when I’m confident and... Continue Reading →

Pictures… Accepting my Sufferings

I was posting an Instagram story for a friend and found myself scrolling through old pictures. Without even noticing I found myself led to a very long trip down memory lane… 16 years of memories of our life together. If anyone saw them, they would probably swear that we were one of the happiest and... Continue Reading →

Cheers to all our memories…

This is how I feel now. I don’t know if this is going to change, or it’s only because I have pulled myself out of the drama for the past month, but hopefully not… because finally I reached a good place about all this. About a month ago, he opened fire on me. It was... Continue Reading →

Was Lonelier with him than I am without Him…

All through my marriage, I was always in the defensive mode. Shielding myself from the accusations, seeing my life through his needs and myself through his critical eyes and trying to be not disapproved of. I would see discontent in his looks and lay awake wondering what have I done wrong now, how can he... Continue Reading →

I’m sorry the walls between reality and your innocence are fading…

We always want to show our children the best of the world, the kindness of the world, the beauty and positive, the love and compassion, the laughter and the passion. And when the cruel realities of life show itself in any form, we try to cover their eyes, shield them from the pain. They are... Continue Reading →

Relinquishing Control

I am with the kids all of damn time, I gave up everything to be hands on with them, but I am drained and over exhausted and sadly cannot stand hearing my own voice nagging and begging and trying to talk to two girls with all their complaints and requests and dramas at once any... Continue Reading →

Horrifying Memories Unraveling…

I lived my life thinking “what gives me the right to deserve anything since I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile”. Whatever accomplishment I achieved I would belittle, whatever compliment I’d receive meant nothing, whatever milestone or hardship I would survive, was barely mediocre in comparison to the perfection I had to measure up to. However, over... Continue Reading →

I will never forgive him for that…

And to think for a second there I felt a spark... even from far away. As I was dropping off the kids... walking towards him, I checked him out. I haven’t done that in ages… But that didn’t last long, the second I came closer, I felt the hostile energy, the resentment, the fear I... Continue Reading →

A Car to Wait in…

As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back. I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the... Continue Reading →

Single Parenting is killing my Essence…

I’m done with the kids birthday season… and I’m so damn exhausted. It’s not that it’s hard, but I just hate doing all this alone. I’m tired of being a single parent during or outside the marriage, with a supposedly partner who doesn’t contribute. Ohhh yes he pays for it, but that’s it. He comes... Continue Reading →

It started with a Kiss

When I met him; he was married and I was married so I thought, “well this is safe”. We would meet and talk for hours; from one interesting conversation to the next and over a very short period we became close, and without even realising it I opened up to him and him to me... Continue Reading →

Marriage and Romanticism Survivor

I survived 13 years of marriage... not in the sense that marriage is hard and I managed to make it work, but like people survive cancer… I am a marriage survivor! It was like going through an enchanted forest, and found myself fighting daemons and mutants and shape shifters and goblins and zombies and elves...... Continue Reading →

Anniversary Dinner

He texted the night before that he wants to invite me to an evening and night together… I was dreading that he would, although not in 6 years have we went out to celebrate that day; actually it’s been 6 years since we went out for dinner at all. I felt very weird about it,... Continue Reading →

Weightless Passion

Although, but not long ago I was naked in his arms and him in mine, I crave for him still. I crave for that bond, for that intimacy, for having him let go to me and with me... Once the storm of every day passes, and the silence comes, I feel the tsunami of longing... Continue Reading →

Being the Good Girl is draining!

Do I have to, from now on because my sister bailed, always be the good daughter, the dependable one, the responsible, the respectable one? … The one who is there for my parents all the time? The one who has to help get my mother out of her brutal angry depression, answer her every call... Continue Reading →

Family Pillar Crumbling…

In order not to regret going on any anger spree, I have been letting it eat me alive! Nevertheless, I have been extremely angry these past weeks ... and that is not who I am... I am not one to get anger triggered that easily and if I do, I usually could easily control my... Continue Reading →

I am definitely giving him Mixed Signals… Hoovering Part II

As I was picking up my daughter from his place yesterday… he decided to come with us in the car back home… some excuse about not being able to work at his place. I didn’t really understand but I didn’t really ask... It was an awkward day already and mind was totally else where. We... Continue Reading →

The Crane Wife Article

The Crane Wife, by CJ Hauser is one of the deepest relationship articles I have read, one that is so eloquently and delicately written. I was forwarded the piece by a friend and, for the days following, I kept reading it over and over again and realized it was shared among a number of women…. On... Continue Reading →

Her Abused Ego-Trip is going to get her Killed…

So yes it was partly my fault that my arm might be permanently damaged and I look like Frankenstein with all the stiches and muscle deformation. It will probably take me months before I could do any yoga or handstands again, or even carry anything over the weight of my phone or not have anyone... Continue Reading →

Why it was terrifying to say “I love you”

I say it to my family, my kids and my dog all the time. I even say it to my friends and every now to random strangers that for any reason brightened my day. But when it came to someone I was actually developing heavy feelings for it was really hard and scary to admit…... Continue Reading →

What is a loving relationship?

During one of my therapy sessions, a few weeks ago, I told my therapist that I do not think that I really believe in true love anymore and after you feel love for a child the rest is just worthless. He, my therapist, so patiently told me “because you have never been in a loving relationship before” and... Continue Reading →

My Best Friend of over 20 years tried to Kiss Me!

Later that night, one of my oldest friends called and wanted to talk, so I invited him over for some drinks at the bar downstairs in the hotel where I was staying... of course I had to make up a lie about why I was staying at a hotel while my apartment is kids-free for... Continue Reading →

Amsterdam Invite… Hoovering Part I

After days of fighting about how much I have broken the family and that I have no empathy of what he’s going through and don’t care about his happiness... screaming about how I am now controlling his time with his girls when I am too immature, with no plan nor vision, to have such authority... Continue Reading →

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