My understanding of a Healthy Relationship… after years of Abuse

The idea of a stable healthy relationship has always been so far fetched that in my 16 years with him, all I knew was how much he hurt me and all I ever wanted is for that to stop, all I wanted was for the nice moments to last just a tad longer than they... Continue Reading →

Fear of Loss…

I think today marks the first time I ever thought twice before texting him... We met a few days ago and although after I left, I felt lighter and more confident than I have been in months, his silence this time scared me! It is still weightless. It is still intimate and passionate... It’s still... Continue Reading →

Horrifying Memories Unraveling…

I lived my life thinking “what gives me the right to deserve anything since I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile”. Whatever accomplishment I achieved I would belittle, whatever compliment I’d receive meant nothing, whatever milestone or hardship I would survive, was barely mediocre in comparison to the perfection I had to measure up to. However, over... Continue Reading →

I just was not into him…

A friend of mine passed by today to drop off a book; the same friend who I enjoyed flirting with and leading on a few months back. I haven’t seen him since the last time we kissed in his car and had no interest on doing so either, however a few days ago we started... Continue Reading →

A Car to Wait in…

As I was driving the kids back from training today, I started crying… I had already fed them right after training and put them in their PJs in the car, so they would fall asleep on their way back. I remembered an evening last winter; it was pouring rain and I was sitting in the... Continue Reading →

Single Parenting is killing my Essence…

I’m done with the kids birthday season… and I’m so damn exhausted. It’s not that it’s hard, but I just hate doing all this alone. I’m tired of being a single parent during or outside the marriage, with a supposedly partner who doesn’t contribute. Ohhh yes he pays for it, but that’s it. He comes... Continue Reading →

Anniversary Dinner

He texted the night before that he wants to invite me to an evening and night together… I was dreading that he would, although not in 6 years have we went out to celebrate that day; actually it’s been 6 years since we went out for dinner at all. I felt very weird about it,... Continue Reading →

Women like to Hunt and Chase too…

I went out with an old work colleague for drinks… We usually catch up every now and then over the phone or texting; recommend books, interesting video talks and articles, talk about life, but we decided to meet up, something I don’t usually do, go out with a guy for drinks, and I have never... Continue Reading →

Weightless Passion

Although, but not long ago I was naked in his arms and him in mine, I crave for him still. I crave for that bond, for that intimacy, for having him let go to me and with me... Once the storm of every day passes, and the silence comes, I feel the tsunami of longing... Continue Reading →

Her Abused Ego-Trip is going to get her Killed…

So yes it was partly my fault that my arm might be permanently damaged and I look like Frankenstein with all the stiches and muscle deformation. It will probably take me months before I could do any yoga or handstands again, or even carry anything over the weight of my phone or not have anyone... Continue Reading →

Why it was terrifying to say “I love you”

I say it to my family, my kids and my dog all the time. I even say it to my friends and every now to random strangers that for any reason brightened my day. But when it came to someone I was actually developing heavy feelings for it was really hard and scary to admit…... Continue Reading →

What is a loving relationship?

During one of my therapy sessions, a few weeks ago, I told my therapist that I do not think that I really believe in true love anymore and after you feel love for a child the rest is just worthless. He, my therapist, so patiently told me “because you have never been in a loving relationship before” and... Continue Reading →

An Afternoon Sex Date… left me wanting more

I have been trying to find words to describe that afternoon… It was certainly, passionate and erotic and hot, but it wasn’t just that, it was much more than just mundane sex. I was trying to make sense of it all, but today it struck me… You know that feeling you get when you step... Continue Reading →

Flashing the Delivery Guy…

Growing up and living in a third world country, I hated the fact that I would not be able to ever walk down the street without someone making some kind of sexual advances towards me, either looks or filthy innuendos. I have been harassed, hit on, groped, and given that I am going to fuck... Continue Reading →

Another chapter in my parallel life…

My days of going to his side of town are over… my little one is done with nursery and I will not bump into him by coincidence during coffee runs or on the street anymore… no more car rides... no more stealing a kiss when no one is looking or hanging out for hours to... Continue Reading →

What are you waiting for? Divorce him already!

People keep asking me why don’t I just divorce him already and get it over with... What are you waiting for? It's been three months since he moved out! They tend to assume that because I am not insisting and pushing for a divorce that I still want him, or that I am keeping the... Continue Reading →

Becoming aware of my Inner Critics

I have recently become aware that I have three ghosts in my life… One, is floating near the corner of my head. She is constantly whispering in my ear to watch out for judgments… warning me from the scrutinisation I am going to receive for my decisions or actions… cautioning me that whatever choice I... Continue Reading →

Be Happy today… just for Today!

I decided to be happy and grateful at least just for the day. I decided to find pleasure in the tiny things around me. I decided not to complain about anything whatsoever and accept the suffering within me and around me as part of my journey today. I decided that because, I woke up angry... Continue Reading →

Sex, with Feelings and Respect

It’s just sex, with feelings and respect, he said… and I like that, because, it really is a good and honest friendship that happen to be accompanied by an amazing sexual connection... and calling it anything else, would make it sound ugly and unethical and bad... It somehow does not feel like cheating, at least... Continue Reading →

A Holiday Fling…

Here's a story I will forever remember with a person I would probably never meet again... I met him at the dinner buffet ... we were both waiting for our pasta. He was due to go before me and didn’t know what to order… we shared a laugh and some small talk about what we’re... Continue Reading →

Belief System… No right or wrong

I never shared my belief system with anyone... mainly because I consider it very personal and to each their own and partly because I could never articulate it… But one thing I know for absolute certainty that every truth about spirituality is refutable, where no one will ever know for certain whether what they believe... Continue Reading →

15 Years of…

There is something about unhappiness… it is awful and unbearable until something worse comes along and then that unhappiness becomes unacknowledged and under appreciated happiness that we’ve missed the opportunity to value... accordingly this is the biggest fear when someone is trying to obliterate current unhappiness. It’s the what-ifs that haunt the mind that this... Continue Reading →

True to Myself…

Some people have an affair to be someone else or live a different life... some are merely bored or pissed of a current situation… some want to live some kind of fantasy... and others are just compensating what they lack in their real lives... ... but in some cases, that someone else and that somewhere else,... Continue Reading →

Help or Let be…

When you sit and watch people’s faces in any place in the world, you feel that all humans are equally pathetic and lost and weak… American’s, Europeans, Arabs, Africans or Chinese … Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Agnostic or Atheists … White, Black, Brown or Red … Regardless of our race or religion or marital status, we... Continue Reading →

We met again.. Same place… less time…

So we met again... This time I asked for it, I was horny and I missed him! It took me an hour to gather my guts to text him, afraid of rejection maybe or scared that he had had gotten bored already or that I might seem desperate, specially since my breakdown last week. But... Continue Reading →

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