Her Abused Ego-Trip is going to get her Killed…

So yes it was partly my fault that my arm might be permanently damaged and I look like Frankenstein with all the stiches and muscle deformation. It will probably take me months before I could do any yoga or handstands again, or even carry anything over the weight of my phone or not have anyone... Continue Reading →

Becoming aware of my Inner Critics

I have recently become aware that I have three ghosts in my life… One, is floating near the corner of my head. She is constantly whispering in my ear to watch out for judgments… warning me from the scrutinisation I am going to receive for my decisions or actions… cautioning me that whatever choice I... Continue Reading →

Be Happy today… just for Today!

I decided to be happy and grateful at least just for the day. I decided to find pleasure in the tiny things around me. I decided not to complain about anything whatsoever and accept the suffering within me and around me as part of my journey today. I decided that because, I woke up angry... Continue Reading →

Sex, with Feelings and Respect

It’s just sex, with feelings and respect, he said… and I like that, because, it really is a good and honest friendship that happen to be accompanied by an amazing sexual connection... and calling it anything else, would make it sound ugly and unethical and bad... It somehow does not feel like cheating, at least... Continue Reading →

A Narcissist’s Reaction to Separation…

Well I believe that all of us have traces of narcissistic traits, but some just have it so pronounced... My dear old husband texted me the other day and stayed texting for 8 hours… 8 continues hours of hateful messages filled with pain but stuffed with angry and extremely hurtful and insulting words, bringing up 12... Continue Reading →

I like the Real Person…

Seeing him with his family made him more human... more real, not that he wasn’t, but he was just this idea of a person that is unattached to others… a concept. I was always latched to the moments with him instead, not the bigger picture of his life, and they... were only stories he tells,... Continue Reading →

Can Pride prevent a Parent from seeing his Children?

I don’t get how a father has such an ego to an extent not to see his kids… and such an audacity to claim that because I am the one who asked for the separation or as he so adversely puts it “kicked him out of the house and deprived him from sleeping in the... Continue Reading →

Dealing with the Guilt of ending the Marriage…

I had a dream of a wonderful and happy marriage, a relationship of passion and respect that I would be proud of... Perhaps a utopian dream or some over compensation from my parents' failed marriage, but I was willing with my whole soul and being to give it my all and to sacrifice whatever it... Continue Reading →

Old age is Cruel… So live while you Can

Although no one can reject it... nor deny it... nor prevent it, aging is inevitable. And old age is cruel! It is filled with frailness and decay. Yes it is filled with wisdom, but what is wisdom without the body and mind to live it. Our health starts fading day by day and even if... Continue Reading →

Violence Relapse…

It has been a year since his last physical abuse with me, but like so many have told me, if he did it once, he'll do it again. New years eve was our eldest daughter's birthday; turning 6. We have always had this tradition to go dress shopping that morning just me and her together,... Continue Reading →

He lives on a cloud of recklessness…

As I was skimming through my emails one morning before getting out of bed, I found tickets booked for a trip to Germany for all four of us, him, the kids and myself. We had talked about it very very briefly about a month ago... about the possibility of traveling and when the kids have... Continue Reading →

Married to an addict… apparently

One of my husband’s best friends called me today morning telling me that we need find a solution for my husband’s drug addition. For the longest time, I was trying to avoid this conversation with anyone or the actual fact that this problem exists; specially because this was one conversation I never thought I would... Continue Reading →

He lost our daughter at a fair the other day..

We had our yearly Christmas Bazaar at our high school; and it’s been a tradition to go to every year; a reunion and fun day with friends and kids and whatnot. The day started like every other weekend; him sleeping and me waking up with the girls, washing them up, breakfast, feeding, running after each... Continue Reading →

Self-destruction runs in the Family..

What is wrong with the both of us? What made us so self-disrespectful? How did both of us turn out to be so fucked up? Was is the way we were raised? Our parents loved us both so much, they have literally sacrificed every ounce of time and energy for us, were never stingy on... Continue Reading →

Desert Trip .. What would happen if I die

Yesterday we went barbecuing in the desert. It was a birthday of friends’ daughter who was turning 11 and decided that she wants a family and friends gathering for the old and young generation, so we headed to a protectorate valley in the desert for the day. My eldest had training that finishes at 2... Continue Reading →

A Hot Gymnast…

Sitting outside my daughter’s gymnastics hall waiting for her to finish her three hour training is the most boring chore of my day... but when the light is just right one could see the kids training inside, which makes time pass a little faster and makes waiting there a tad more interesting. Today, however, something... Continue Reading →

The Impact of Narcissistic Parents

Every since I was a child I have tried to explain my strange relationship with mother, a guilt-filled love-hate relationship. Although one’s life is their own choices and they have to own up to them, I believe that the way children are nurtured is what makes them who they are; their decisions, attitude, fears, cravings,... Continue Reading →

Eliminating destruction

Even though in my head and with all rational I should believe he is wrong… that his words should not get to me... BUT THEY DO... I became what he perceived me to be... It started by first trying to convince him of how wrong he is.. but he called that delusions of myself.. By... Continue Reading →

Do i have something valuable to add?

Dear Husband, You came home late last night. I am guessing you were still at that conference, or maybe left and went somewhere after that. Could a conference last until 12 midnight? Maybe, how would I know? I tried not to ask so much. But, you came back, expecting me to be all sweet and welcoming. I... Continue Reading →

Is it only in my head

The other day we were taking our daughter for her first day to KG, he didn't have to come. He never did with our 5 yr old. But sure that should be a nice thing. Husband: When are we gonna go down? Me: We go down 7:45. Husband: Why not earlier? Me: Because we need... Continue Reading →

Seriously; I’m depressed

You come and tell me that i am like a depressed little girl looking for things to get pissed at. That after your screaming and shouting and unstoppable criticism. You barley took a breath. So what, am i supposed to do? Press a reset button and be all sweet and cute and hop on u... Continue Reading →

GET OUT! GET OUT!

I know what i would be so bluntly told. GET OUT, just GET OUT. Get out of this toxic environment, because nothing will ever change. Because he has never added anything to your life, but in fact he has made you feel more worthless than you already feel. That you he will never view you... Continue Reading →

Will you ever give me Satisfaction?

Dear Husband, What is it with you narcissistic people? Do enjoy not giving comfort to others? Is it satisfactory for you to belittle the person when they are right and degrade them when they are wrong? We havent been talking (except for necessities) the past week, and yet here i am waiting for a validation... Continue Reading →

My husband’s friend

Dear Husband, I write you this since you have denied me the right to even talk to you about it. You have threatened me painful threats if I do dare to talk about her. Told me that your relationship with her is your thing and too deep for my humble mind to understand. You have... Continue Reading →

The Need for approval is Toxic

Dear Husband, I am tried of waiting for your approval after 10 years of marriage. For you to fall in love with me again or maybe ever. I am tried of waiting for you to appreciate me and my mind. To value me as a person, wife and mother. To think of me as someone... Continue Reading →

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