Be Happy today… just for Today!

I decided to be happy and grateful at least just for the day. I decided to find pleasure in the tiny things around me. I decided not to complain about anything whatsoever and accept the suffering within me and around me as part of my journey today. I decided that because, I woke up angry... Continue Reading →

The Road to Ultimate Happiness from Within

I get it, I get it... So ultimate ‘happiness from within’ is reaching a state of complete non-dependency from all external emotional, physical and materialistic needs... Wait what?!? So in order to achieve that, we need to abstain from every craving we have! Or do we need to turn every craving to a mere want,... Continue Reading →

His death was like Therapy.. May he rest in peace

It was the most shocking news I have ever received. He rides motorcycles, but no not an accident, did drugs, but no not an overdose, he wasn’t even sick nor overly stressed. Athletic, positive, family person, loved by all… Last year like today a good friend of mine passed away at 39 years old. He... Continue Reading →

Who will Witness who they Truly are…

It takes a village to raise a child. Although that might not necessarily be 100% true, it would sure be nice. When and if I do find it, any kind of help is always appreciated and welcomed in my book. However, help is not it... I would have truly loved to have a village or... Continue Reading →

Help or Let be…

When you sit and watch people’s faces in any place in the world, you feel that all humans are equally pathetic and lost and weak… American’s, Europeans, Arabs, Africans or Chinese … Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Agnostic or Atheists … White, Black, Brown or Red … Regardless of our race or religion or marital status, we... Continue Reading →

He lost our daughter at a fair the other day..

We had our yearly Christmas Bazaar at our high school; and it’s been a tradition to go to every year; a reunion and fun day with friends and kids and whatnot. The day started like every other weekend; him sleeping and me waking up with the girls, washing them up, breakfast, feeding, running after each... Continue Reading →

Panicking after Sex?

How can any sexual encounter be so conflicting and full of contradicting emotions that at my age, with all experiences and traumas and tornadoes, I have never experienced something as such before? It was the most frightening feeling ever… I’ll take a step back and trace the day or days preceding and leading to it…... Continue Reading →

True Facts About Myself

There are certain certainties in my life that I have recently become very confortable with and comfortable admitting no matter how perceived, so it’s good to get them out there and admit them loudly to myself: I cannot sleep without socks, ever, no matter what the weather is, in my own bed or camping on... Continue Reading →

The awkwardness of reconnecting…

It is very strange when you grow close to someone and then you suddenly detach, and the more time passes the more awkward it becomes to randomly get in touch again. He used a word a couple of months back… disconnect... and what a descriptive word it is. As harmless as it may seam, it carries... Continue Reading →

Stay or Leave a Cold Marriage?

Would you rather stay in a marriage for the sake of your children, a marriage where you lack intimacy and passion and where you do not get to show your kids what a healthy loving relationship looks like and maybe expand you family for the better interest of your child or would you rather leave... Continue Reading →

The Road to Ultimate Happiness from Within

I get it, I get it... So ultimate ‘happiness from within’ is reaching a state of complete non-dependency from all external emotional, physical and materialistic needs... Wait what?!? So in order to achieve that, we need to abstain from every craving we have! Or do we need to turn every craving to a mere want,... Continue Reading →

Uncomfortably Frozen

Seeing the wife was the strangest encounter ever.. I kept telling myself nothing happened and probably nothing will ever happen, so to convince myself that nothing should be or feel so awkward! But it still was.. I wasn’t myself and probably was this obnoxious person, that she had no idea why is talking or sitting... Continue Reading →

Mother-Husband Battle

I know that, at the end of the day, how my life turned out to be is a result of all my choices and that they are all on me... but they were all choices played in someone else’s game! I was born to a single powerhouse mother that made a name for herself through a... Continue Reading →

Will you understand when I ask you to leave?

How will it be when I tell you to leave? Are going to be raging and angry and violent? Will you accuse and shame me for breaking us apart? Or will you understand? I picture your good byes and the blame in your eyes I imagine your pain and that i'd be breaking your heart... Continue Reading →

My Intervention!

I went down with my two best friends yesterday. They wanted to discuss me and my abusive marriage. It was so uncomfortable I had to chug two tequila shots and half a bottle of wine in the first 10mim just to get myself to listen. One of them has been recently divorced after an 8... Continue Reading →

Lonely and Distant

I woke up lonely today... It's not that I don’t have friends or family... but I feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my dreams... I feel remote and distant from the world surrounding me, like I don’t belong. I don’t belong in this house, in this marriage, nor in this environment… I am... Continue Reading →

Smile More Mum…

I usually ask my daughters questions about how they view me to help me understand myself and my relationship with them better. Me: What does mummy need to do more of? My five year old, without hesitation, told me that I need to smile more. She is right. Smiling plays a very important role in... Continue Reading →

My Dream of You

I have lusted for you ... for us and the pleasure of desire became so powerful ... that even my subconscious couldn't resist... I fucked you in my dream last night… right there in the car where we were... It wasn't like a scene from a movie... it was real and passionate and sloppy… we... Continue Reading →

Eliminating his Perception

Even though in my head and with all rational I should believe he is wrong… that his words should not get to me... BUT THEY DO... I became what he perceived me to be... It started by first trying to convince him of how wrong he is.. but he called that delusions of myself.. By... Continue Reading →

Gratefulness of feeling respected

I was one step away from breaking my marital vows. It was scary, different and completely and utterly out of my skin. I went with a flow of a plan.. I don’t know how far i was going to go through with it at the end, but i took it one step at a time..... Continue Reading →

In or Out?

Sitting here in the empty living room, he has decided to move out to our supposedly new place away from my mother’s realm, thinking about where I stand in this marriage. His theory is, we’ve been told to leave - I’ll get to why in a bit -, lets move out and then figure out... Continue Reading →

The next day of the … well of the violence

After the beating, things got really complicated specially that’s been two and a half months. Anyway this is about the next day... and the rest will take a faster pace... The day of, he was packing to leave. It took him around 6 hours to pack. I got the kids from my mom’s downstairs and... Continue Reading →

Sex after Abuse

For years I wanted him in our bed... I wanted him to come sleep next to me… to cuddle me and spoon me and kiss my neck while I slept... For years I fantasized about him coming in between my sheets … stoke my body and run his fingers down my back… as he breathed... Continue Reading →

I understand!

Our lives have intertwined in ways that cannot be unbinded; we’ve seen the love, the hate and the stagnation in between. Most of the time we try to forget what was said and the details of what was done, but Maya Angelou once said, people will never forget how you made them feel. And this... Continue Reading →

Why I called him!

It never came easy for me to share my thoughts and feelings; it was always hard to find comfort talking and not think... I must sound smart for them to respect me... but I found a friend I can talk to. I never allowed myself that luxury during my marriage. A no judgment zone that... Continue Reading →

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