Self-destruction runs in the Family..

What is wrong with the both of us? What made us so self-disrespectful? How did both of us turn out to be so fucked up? Was is the way we were raised? Our parents loved us both so much, they have literally sacrificed every ounce of time and energy for us, were never stingy on... Continue Reading →

Will you understand when I ask you to leave?

How will it be when I tell you to leave? Are going to be raging and angry and violent? Will you accuse and shame me for breaking us apart? Or will you understand? I picture your good byes and the blame in your eyes I imagine your pain and that i'd be breaking your heart... Continue Reading →

Lonely and Distant

I woke up lonely today... It's not that I don’t have friends or family... but I feel alone in my thoughts and alone in my dreams... I feel remote and distant from the world surrounding me, like I don’t belong. I don’t belong in this house, in this marriage, nor in this environment… I am... Continue Reading →

So what is it? An Affair-ish?

"Had we followed through with the plan.. it would have turned into an affair".. that's probably true! It got me thinking of what is an affair? Where is the line drawn? When should one start to feel guilty? With SEX!? According to Wikipedia "An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship, or passionate attachment between... Continue Reading →

Drawn to Him

With lust and attraction for him on my mind .. it’s getting harder and harder not to get to see him and talk to him ... to not want to kiss him every time we meet... I haven’t had that for anyone in the longest time and definitely not during my marriage. There’s this unexpected and... Continue Reading →

Gratefulness of feeling respected

I was one step away from breaking my marital vows. It was scary, different and completely and utterly out of my skin. I went with a flow of a plan.. I don’t know how far i was going to go through with it at the end, but i took it one step at a time..... Continue Reading →

I’m still learning

I’m still learning how to not have expectations when u’re around I plan alone and try not think if ever u’re gonna join I see u make arrangements and wonder if u’ll ever ask me to come along   I’m still learning not to care Not to feel and not to show I’m still learning... Continue Reading →

The day of the beating

The day of.. i had a sleepless night feeding the puppies and the eldest girl waking up several times.. one of the puppies starting getting really sick and i have already lost a pup 5 days before. Yes, i’ve been told, it’s v hard to keep them alive without the mom, but it’s still heart... Continue Reading →

Eliminating destruction

Even though in my head and with all rational I should believe he is wrong… that his words should not get to me... BUT THEY DO... I became what he perceived me to be... It started by first trying to convince him of how wrong he is.. but he called that delusions of myself.. By... Continue Reading →

He called me a bad mother!

I cant even begin to write down the words from the pain. I have been trying to get myself together and help myself get out of this destructive environment but i find myself sucked back in the drama. I woke him, with him next to me, he's been finding other places to sleep on in... Continue Reading →

Do i have something valuable to add?

Dear Husband, You came home late last night. I am guessing you were still at that conference, or maybe left and went somewhere after that. Could a conference last until 12 midnight? Maybe, how would I know? I tried not to ask so much. But, you came back, expecting me to be all sweet and welcoming. I... Continue Reading →

Is it only in my head

The other day we were taking our daughter for her first day to KG, he didn't have to come. He never did with our 5 yr old. But sure that should be a nice thing. Husband: When are we gonna go down? Me: We go down 7:45. Husband: Why not earlier? Me: Because we need... Continue Reading →

Seriously

You come and tell me that i am like a depressed little girl looking for things to get pissed at. That after your screaming and shouting and unstoppable criticism. You barley took a breath. So what, am i supposed to do? Press a reset button and be all sweet and cute and hop on u... Continue Reading →

GET OUT! GET OUT!

I know what i would be so bluntly told. GET OUT, just GET OUT. Get out of this toxic environment, because nothing will ever change. Because he has never added anything to your life, but in fact he has made you feel more worthless than you already feel. That you he will never view you... Continue Reading →

The ‘You and I’ romantic trip – Part 1.

Dear Husband, Do you remeber this trip? The one i was begging for for 6 years since we got married. The one you finally agreed to travel with me on when i was 7 months pregnant and made me stay half of it in a country i have already visited in a place i didn't... Continue Reading →

Affected by your look

Dear Husband I cant help but get affected by the way u shake your head when i start talking. The despise on ur face when you hear anything i say is like a knife through my soul. I hold my breath and start talking so fast to get my thoughts out, they come out crumbled... Continue Reading →

Will you ever give me Satisfaction?

Dear Husband, What is it with you narcissistic people? Do enjoy not giving comfort to others? Is it satisfactory for you to belittle the person when they are right and degrade them when they are wrong? We havent been talking (except for necessities) the past week, and yet here i am waiting for a validation... Continue Reading →

She woke up breathless

She woke up breathless tears socking in her eyes .. and the pillow beneath her couldn't handle all the cries Disillusioned by a nightmare that hasn’t appeared to her in years Was it because her life has crumbled and the years spent has proven inept? Was it because she missed the life she no longer... Continue Reading →

KARINA, my husband’s friend

Dear Husband, I write you this since you have denied me the right to even talk to you about it. You have threatened me painful threats if I do dare to talk about her. Told me that your relationship with her is your thing and too deep for my humble mind to understand. You have... Continue Reading →

Dear Husband, should I care?

You came home after some business meeting today and you looked pretty ill. If it were anyone else I would have been attentive, I would have sprung up and brought you food, a warm drink and cradled with love and a kiss. But you aren't anyone else. You are the husband who blamed me when... Continue Reading →

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